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Showing results for tags 'woman'.
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And we drive among them. RandyA Woman's Fuel Cap Confusion Is Hilarious [VIDEO]
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'! Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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UGLY STORY OF THE LITTLE DUCKS!!!!!! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" http://assets3.sparkpeople.com/assets/diet/emoticons/e40.gif
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Love Old Women AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT. SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?” THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO." THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid... I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. > > She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in > a trap. > > The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I > will grant you three wishes." > > The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, > but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. > > Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" > > The woman said, "That's okay." > > For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful > woman in the world. > > The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will > also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women > will flock to him". > > The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the > most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." > > So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! > > For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in > the world. > > The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest > man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." > > The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his > and what's his is mine." > > So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! > > The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, > "I'd like a mild heart attack." > > Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. > > Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop > here and continue feeling good. > > > > Male readers : Please Scroll Down. > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | > > | The man had a heart attack ten times milder than that of > his wife. > > Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think > they're really smart. > > Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. > > PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only > goes to show that women never listen!!! >
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While out at lunch today Big Tom got up to use the rest room and came back 4 shades of red. Just getting ready to ask him what he did....the woman that was sitting at the table next to us came over to the table and said " well...did he tell you what he did?"... It seems that Tom and this woman came out of their stall at the same time and were facing eachother. She said " am I in the wrong place? " and he said to her...."well one of us is".... It seems that he entered the Ladys room by mistake... I was dying...all I could get out was...well...you did stop to wash your hands didn't you? And he said...h&ll no!...I ran out as fast as I could. I can"t take him anywhere....
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wife was about to leave for work this morning & said " I don't care where we go or what we do, i just want to get on the bike & go " now that is a good woman... any1 near want to join us you are welcome, just don't know where we are going... wouldn't mind riding the trace to NASHVILLE...
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I read this and thought it was worth passing on... you never know when that little action on your part has a big impact on somebody else. A sweet lesson on patience. A NYC Taxi driver wrote: I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. 'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.' 'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' 'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.. 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. 'What route would you like me to take?' I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. 'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse. 'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly. 'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.' I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life.. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
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A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this a one to pointata what evea you wanta." "You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose." "And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb... I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, oh Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?" Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired. When that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga, and you poka on her head and say, "Go back to sleep you silly woman!"
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Florida Woman, 90, Behind the Same Wheel 559,000 Miles Later
juggler posted a topic in Watering Hole
They don't make them like this any more. The car or the 90 year old owner. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,533803,00.html -
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a chap getting kicked in the testicles. Here is proof that they are wrong: A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a man say, "I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed.
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So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . . . About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?" So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. ___________________________________ Men Are Just Happier People NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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----- A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'msorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."..............................
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One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You built a Golf Course?"
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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.' 'But I thought you hated George,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!' Rod
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On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! "Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They looked, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: Tall, well built, with dark black hair and brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .....one button at a time. ................No one moves. ...............He removes his shirt. ................Muscles ripple across his chest. ...............She gasps. .................He whispers: .............."Here, iron this, and get me something to eat..." OK...so I'm a male Chauvanist Pig! That's right up there with .... Why do brides wear white? Well you want the dishwasher to match the stove and fridge! OK...let the berating begin!
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My one day employment So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. My wife sent this to me so I hope we are at PG I think it is but it made me laugh
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While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ' An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.' Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****.' Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.
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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a dog on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." ''What happened to him?" The woman replied, "He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of sisterhood and silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" The woman replied, "Get in line." :rotfl:
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A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"
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A man and a woman gets a divorce .Once outside the courthouse the woman starts crying.The man says stop crying,you are still my sister.
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past... Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. . . . . . THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts THE END.
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