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THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take shower. Before getting in shower, she sat on toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped sheet around herself and I drove her to hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into position where he could study how to free her (Try to get mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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A letter from a Gutsy Cape Bretoner –Gotta love it!!! “Dear Revenue Canada, Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2010 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defense is paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers. As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to next year's tax bill or a roll of toilet paper. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
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The poo list (edited for I hope a PG rating) *** Warning *** This page contains a butt-load of scatological humor. If you don't think feces can be funny stop reading here. Now that you're bursting with curiosity read on... POO LIST !!! ------------------------ THE GHOST POO - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl. THE CLEAN POO - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper. THE WET POO - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE POO - This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO - Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN POO - No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG POO - The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO - The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO - The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS POO - Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID POO - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD POO A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER - This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER - This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL - This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO - A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK POO - This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO - This is any poo created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER - A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER - Characterized by its float-ability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER - A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM POO - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO POO Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC POO - This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poo. THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO - This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo. PREMEDITATED POO - Laxative induced. Doesn't count. POOZOPHERENIA - Fear of pooing - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO - Also known as a "Still Going" poo. THE POWER DUMP POO - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO - This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log poo.) THE SPINAL TAP POO - The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY A$$HOLE" POO - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwords. THE PORRIDGE POO - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POO - Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. The "TURBO-CHARGER" POO - You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal poo. This typically results in a completely soaked behind. THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS POO - You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl. The THE "PICASSO" POO - the artwork left in the bowl after the flush. THE THE "DEGOBAH BOG" POO - When the poo isn't liquid but makes the water in the toilet murky and bog-like. Often you get the feeling there's a droid-eating monster lurking in there, too. -----------------------------end of poo-------------------------------------
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How to wash a toilet This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you. 1 Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2 Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3 In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. 6 Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7 Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. http://ca.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f11866%5fAIoIw0MAAA0qTOcnPA5mzzRrF4c&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 Yours Sincerely, The Dog http://ca.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f11866%5fAIoIw0MAAA0qTOcnPA5mzzRrF4c&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1
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We have one of those thin paper hooks were if more than 1 foot of paper hangs below the roll it starts to unspool on the floor. The other day I came up with a brainstorm. Before mounting the roll I slightly flatten the roll so the center is egg shaped thus stopping it from turning, except when pulling off some paper. Now my wife say's that thats just wrong, no reason, just wrong, so she will reform the roll and next thing there is a pile of paper on the floor. Can someone explain to me why my idea could possibly be wrong when it saves paper from being wasted.
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Please study and practice before arriving. [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnsgrXC2fAU]YouTube- How to make one square of toilet paper work[/ame]
