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I'm the editor for a national motorcycling publication and this article was written by one of my friends up in Wyoming... thought it was a good read and thought some of you might like it too. Any Sane Man... By Graydon Wheeler "C'mon boss, we're gonna be late for the game!" "Just a sec, I gotta tighten my mirror up". Jimmy, held the mirror in place with one hand as he tightened the adjusting nut with the other. Satisfied with his quick work, he put the wrench back in his tool-bag and climbed aboard. "I tell ya boss", said Trevor, "That bike of yours got a gremlin. Every time you go somewhere something needs fixing. You oughtta get one of these lucky gremlin bells like I got". He pointed to the small metal object dangling near the bottom of his motorcycle's frame. "I ain't putting no silly bell on my bike", Jimmy replied, "The bike vibrates and stuff comes loose, that's all there is to it. Having a bell for luck makes as much sense as expecting luck from a rabbit's foot, or four-leaf clover, or that damned shirt you haven't washed in two years". "Hey, I hit a grand-slam wearing this shirt!" countered Trevor. "Yeah, two years ago. You haven't hit one out of the park since." "So I'm in a slump". "Whatever, let's go. You keep downwind". They rode down to the city park for their weekly softball game; the team sponsored by Jimmy's company. "Summer and ballgames...and motorcycles. Life doesn't get much better than this", Jimmy thought to himself.. They arrived at the ball field and while Jimmy pulled his gear out of his saddlebags, Trevor ran across the street to a small store. "Wanted to get a lottery ticket for tonight", he said when he returned. Jimmy shook his head. "You really think you're going to be lucky enough to beat the hundred and ninety-five million to one odds to win?" "Someone's gotta win", he said, rubbing the ticket on his "lucky" shirt as they walked toward the team's bench. "And many more gotta lose". "See that's your problem Jimmy. You got no sense of adventure, no belief in things that are unseen. If it ain't right in front of you, it don't exist". "In other words, I trust reality, not irrational beliefs in inanimate objects affecting the outcome of the laws of chance, or small invisible creatures that have nothing better to do than tinker with a man's machine". "All I know is my bike seemed to run better when I added the gremlin bell". "It's called 'confirmation bias'. You expected results, and you found them, not taking into account the the bike ran just the same as..." Jimmy's comments were interrupted by the crack of a bat and a chorus of, "Heads up!". Jimmy turned to look and had enough time to say, "Wha...?" Normally, the human mind works at an incredible speed, and on any given day would have assessed what Jimmy saw with the thought, "There is a spherical object approaching at a rapid velocity and an immediate evasive maneuver, I suggest ducking, is required. Release the adrenalin". Normally that's what Jimmy's mind would have thought. This time all it did was think. "Wha...?" before being knocked out. Jimmy awoke to find himself in a bed with tubes running out of different areas of his body. He made an effort to get up, and was rewarded with a dull throb in his forehead. He was fumbling around when he heard a voice say, "Oh, you're awake! That's wonderful!". A nurse was setting a tray on a table near the door. "I'll let the doctor know you're conscious. He''ll want to make sure you're doing okay". "Hell with that!" Jimmy struggled to get out of bed. "I'm getting outta here. Where's my clothes? Where's my bike?" "Now now, James. We can't have you running out of here like that. We need to make sure there's been no permanent damage. You received a terrible blow to the head". "Well you can talk to the doctor about it all you want.I'm leaving". "No you're not. You're getting back in that bed and waiting for the doctor". ""And who's gonna stop me?" The nurse pulled a needle of the tray. "I am". "What' ya gonna do? Knock me out?", Jimmy sneered. "No", she replied, "This will chemically castrate you". "You're joking". "Open the door and find out". Jimmy crawled back in bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. "That's better. Now sit tight, the doctor will be in in a bit". Jimmy still had to spend one more night, "for observation". Next morning he was on the phone telling Trevor to drop whatever he was doing and come and rescue him. He climbed in the cab of Trevor's truck. "Where's my bike?" "At home in my garage. I made sure it was okay, boss". "All, right. Thanks". He rubbed his head. "What day is it? Monday or Tuesday?" "Friday". "What? I've been out nearly a week?" "Yeah, but don't worry. The shop runs fine without you". "Your not helping". "Sorry". "Just take me to to my ride". They pulled in Trevor's driveway, Trevor parking the truck partly on the lawn so they'd be able to get the motorcycle out of the garage easier. "I threw a cover over to keep the dust off",Trevor said as he pulled off a bed sheet.. "You got rats?" Jimmy asked walking toward his bike. "Looked like something jumped toward the motor". "I don't see nothing", Trevor said as he gave it the once over. "Probably just a shadow. Key?". Trevor went inside the house and returned with Jimmy's key ring. "You say the shops doing okay?" "Yeah, everybody 's keeping busy, no problems". "Well, I suppose since the weeks almost over, we may as well go for a ride". One benefit to having an employer who was also a friend: now and then he would set work aside for the finer things in life. Trevor (and his coworkers) never abused the privilege Jimmy's friendship offered, Jimmy in return never abused his role as company owner. Jimmy turned the key, pushed the starter button, and was rewarded with a "tick-tick-tick-tick-tick" sound. "Sounds like the battery's dead", Trevor offered. "Or loose wire", said Jimmy. "Hand me a screwdriver". Trevor passed the tool ever. "You know, I'll bet if you put one of those...".He stopped as Jimmy pointed the screwdriver and shot him a dirty look. "I swear, if you say bell I'll stab you and blame the hospital meds". Jimmy turned and crouched down to the battery cover. Behind him Trevor mouthed the word "bell" and stuck out his tongue. . "Whoa!" Jimmy flinched when he pulled off the cover. "There is a rat or something!" "Where?" Trevor leaned forward. "Right there! See it?" Trevor crouched closer. "I don't see anything. Is it in the frame?" Jimmy held the screwdriver toward the creature. It wasn't a rat or mouse. For one thing, rats ears aren't pointed. For another thing, rats don 't wear clothes. Whatever it was, it stared back at Jimmy wide eyed and frightened. "You...you don't see anything?" Trevor moved his head side to side, peering at the innards of the bike. "No. Did it go under the seat or something?" Jimmy kept his eye on the critter. Maybe be it was the meds. "Nah, it must have been my imagination". He tightened the battery cable. The creature stayed put. He turned to Trevor. "Probably a little light-headed from bending over like this" He turned back. The whatever was gone. Imagination indeed. "You sure you're okay to ride?' Maybe you should wait a day or two". "I'm fine", He put an arm around Trevor. "Just, if there's any more work needing doing, I'm making you do it". Rest of the day was spent riding, visiting friends, and more riding. Night arrived and Jimmy returned to his own house. He parked the bike in the garage, set his gloves on the seat. Out the corner of his eye as he was closing the door, he thought he saw the gloves fall from the bike. He walked back over only to see they were still on the seat where he'd left them. "Tired", he thought to himself. "Still seeing things". He went inside and put his keys the contents of his pockets on the counter where he always did, hung up his jacket, and decided to pop a pain pill from the hospital before bed. He thought he left them on the counter with the other stuff, but no, he must have left them in his jacket. He fumbled around each pocket but no pills. He patted the pockets of his pants, vest, shirt...nothing. He retraced his steps to the garage and back. They were nowhere to be found. "Eh, don't need 'em anyway", he muttered as he shut off the lights and went to bed. Next morning he lay on his side and opened one eye toward the alarm clock on the stand next to the bed. Doesn't matter if you’re the boss of your own company and can make your own hours, there's just something special about laying in bed on a Saturday morning knowing you don't need to be anywhere. He sighed and rolled on his back. And uttered his first word of the day, which was something that sounded like, "GAAAH!" The creature or whatever it was he thought he saw on his bike yesterday was sitting at the foot of his bed, pointing at him, saying, "There! I told you he could see me!" Jimmy's next word was something like, "WAAAH!" There was another similar creature replying to the first. "Impossible Rangi, they’re not supposed be able to see us". Jimmy's third word for the day was, "YAAAH!" A third creature sitting on the window sill was answering the second. "I don't know Dexter. He seems like he's responding to something he sees". Jimmy looked around the room. There were dozens. Watching him. He found real words at last. "Who are you? What are you? What do you want?" The first creature gave a wave. "Hi! I'm Rangi and this is Dexter and that is..." Dexter stopped him. "Shush!". He turned to Jimmy. "We're nothing. Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep". "But I'm awake...ain't I?". "No this is all a bad dream. Go back to sleep". Jimmy was shaking his head with his eyes closed. "Gotta be the meds...gotta be the meds". "That's it", said Dexter, "It's the drugs you take". Jimmy opened his eyes. "But I haven't taken any. I lost my pills". Dexter looked at Rangi who shrugged his shoulders. "I hid the bottle on him. It was fun". Dexter turned back to Jimmy. "Okay, back to 'It's a dream'. You're dreaming". He yelled to someone or something on the floor. "Teejay! No! We promised, no fun until we get this matter figured out". Jimmy saw a sad looking creature near the electric outlet where his clock was plugged. "What's he trying to do?" "Rangi answered, "Have fun! We like to pull the cord and put it back to make the lights blink. It's fun!" "Shush Rangi!", Dexter spoke to Jimmy, "It's what we do". Jimmy was puzzled. "But why do you do it?" Dexter rolled his eyes. "I told you, it's what we do". He turned again to Rangi. "His kind isn't supposed to see us, let alone talk to us. Only ones that ever have were the crazy ones. And nobody'd believe 'em anyway". Rangi looked thoughtful. "Well...he did get hit in the head. Knock him good it did. You think...?" "That's it!" Dexter spun toward Jimmy and pointed. 'You must have knocked something loose in there. Okay, you're not dreaming, you're crazy...Teejay!" The one called Teejay jumped back from the socket where he was trying to get at the plug unnoticed. He sat down with his head in his hands. Jimmy kinda felt sorry for him. "Listen", Jimmy said, "If it means that much to him, it's okay. I'll just fix the clock later". He looked over at Teejay, "Go ahead, give it a yank". Teejay's eyes lit up and a grin spread across his face. He grabbed hold of the cord with both hands, braced his feet, and gave it a tug. The clock went dark. A second later, Teejay placed the prongs back in the socket holes. The clock flashed 12:00...12:00...12:00. Teejay clapped his hands with a squeal. "Fun!" He hopped up to the window sill giggling. All the other creatures giggled with him. Even Dexter, who quickly replaced his smile with a stern look. He said to Rangi, "Okay, he's your problem". He hopped up to the sill. "Remember", he said to Jimmy before he left, "You're crazy". He then leaped out of sight followed by the others. Jimmy closed his eyes. He opened them to find the one named Rangi still there, watching him with a grin. "This is not how I planned to start my day", he thought to himself. He got up to go make coffee. Jimmy sat at the table, coffee cup in hand. Rangi sat atop the table at the opposite end, watching, grinning. "Must you stare like that?" Rangi nodded. "I've never had the chance to talk to one of you before. I'm excited". Jimmy sighed and sipped his coffee. Maybe later his head would clear and the hallucinations would stop. But for now, the hallucination was sitting there, staring. "Listen, would you like some coffee?" Rangi shook his head. "No thank you. I tried it. Didn't like it". Jimmy looked at his cup, imaging Rangi slurping out of his cup when Jimmy wasn't looking. He shuddered. "How about tea? I can fix you a cup". "No thank you". Jimmy had another sip of his coffee, trying not to be unnerved by the constant stare. "You didn't ask if I wanted hot cocoa", Rangi suggested. "Would you like a cup of hot cocoa?", Jimmy offered. "No thank you", Rangi giggled. Jimmy shook his head and sighed again. "Is there anything you would like?" "I dunno, maybe". Jimmy got up and opened the door to the refrigerator. "See anything you want?" "Ooooh, that!" Rangi was pointing a finger at a can of orange pop. Jimmy opened the can and gave it to the little critter who eagerly drank. Jimmy sat back down with a refill of his coffee. He asked, "What are you...your kind...what do you call..." He was interrupted with a loud "BRRRRAAAAP!" Rangi looked pleased with his belch. He giggled. "Bubbles". It was Jimmy's turn to stare. "When I hallucinate", he thought, "I don't mess around". "You were saying", Rangi set the empty pop can down. "What? Oh yeah, does your kind have a name? I mean, what are you exactly?" "Oh that". Rangi rubbed his chin. "We are what we are. But I think your kind call us Gremlin. I don't know why. We don't". "You mean like the thing with the bells?" Rangi put his hands to his ears, shocked. "Bells hurt!" "Okay, okay. It's okay...no bells". Jimmy wasn't sure why the bells would hurt them, but he'd let the matter drop. Jimmy finished his coffee and rinsed out the cup. Next, he dressed in his riding clothes. Walking out to the garage, Rangi bounded along next to him like a small terrier excited for his master. "Where are we going?'", he asked, "Are we going for some place fun?" Jimmy zipped his jacket. "We?" "Of course!", Rangi explained, "We always go for rides together". "I don't know, just going riding for a while; meet up with friend later, I guess". "Oooh, fun!" Rangi hurried to the motorcycle. "Hey, wait a minute", Jimmy called. Rangi stopped, with a questioning look on his face. "Do you think", Jimmy went on as he put the key in the ignition, "Do you think that just for today you could leave the bike alone? Not mess with the wires or anything?" Rangi seemed a little deflated. "No fun?', he asked. "Just this once, at least. Just for today" "Okay", Rangi said without enthusiasm. "No fun". Jimmy fired up the bike without problem. Rangi sat just ahead of him on the front of the tank, gripping the handlebars. "Want to ride back here on the seat?' Jimmy patted the pad being him. Rangi shook his head no. "I like riding here. My favorite place". They rode like that for a few hours, wandering along different routes with no particular place to be. Jimmy caught a glimpse on occasion of Rangi's reflection in the chrome of his headlight cover. No mistaking that look. It was one of bliss and joy. Jimmy could relate. Only difference between the two with the way they rode, was the bugs that would fly into them now and then. Jimmy would duck, Rangi would open his mouth and score a tasty treat. Come afternoon, they pulled into the parking lot of Jimmy's favorite sports bar. A cold beer and a game on TV sounded good right about now. He parked next to a few other bikes, noticing Trevor and a few others he knew were already inside. He went in, Rangi trotting along beside. Trevor was near the back, playing pool. He looked up, gave Jimmy a wave, then leaned forward to line up his next shot. Jimmy walked to the bar and pulled up a seat in front of one of the many televisions in the room showing a game; Mets versus Giants. He ordered a beer as Rangi sat on the bar near a half empty bowl of popcorn, helping himself to a few kernels. Jimmy took an interest in the game before him, and nearly choked on the first good swallow of the beer. "What the...?" The bartender looked over. "What?" Jimmy kept his eye on the TV. "Ahh...nothing. Just watching the game". The bartender gave a shrug and moved down the bar to take care of other customers. But Jimmy saw, or thought he saw...no wait! There it is, plain as day. There was a gremlin wandering around the infield. He whispered to Rangi, " Hey is that really..." "BRRRRAAAAP!" Rangi set Jimmy's beer back on the bar. "Bubbles", he giggled as he wiped his mouth. Jimmy wondered how many times the two have shared drinks. He decided it best to let the thought go. "Rangi", he whispered, hoping no one would see him talking to...to his hallucination. If he was hallucinating. He wasn't as sure any more. "Rangi, am I seeing things? I mean even more than before?" He pointed to the television. "Is there a gremlin at that game?" Rangi watched the TV for a moment, squinting. "Oh yes!", he said excitedly. "What's he doing?" "Fun". Jimmy watched while the announcer called the play. "Garcia waiting on the oh and two pitch...the throw...and its an easy grounder to short Hansen steps in front to make the stop, he fumbles the ball! Garcia hustles to base and Hansen's throw...not in time. That'll be a base on Hansen's error. Here's the replay showing the ball taking a bad hop at the last moment, Hansen couldn't adjust in time. Too bad. He'll get charged charged for the error..." Jimmy watched the replay, but he knew the ball didn't take a bad hop. He watched in slow motion the ball bouncing toward the unfortunate shortstop, and as the ball was almost in the glove, the gremlin on the field jumped and gave it a swat, causing the ball to catch the edge of the fielder's glove and drop to the ground beside him. "Huh!", He turned to Rangi, who was not there. Down the end of the bar he saw the gremlin wait as the bartender was about to pour a shot. Jimmy was about to warn him, but it was to late. As the drink came out the bottle, Rangi gave the glass a slight nudge. The bartender spilled a good bit on the bar. Jeez, Joe!", Laughed the bar patron, "That's a waste of good tequila!" "I know, dammit!", The bartender replied, "I hate when that happens". Rangi scurried back to Jimmy. He giggled. "Fun!" "Is that all you ever do, 'Fun'? The pulled wires, the spilled drinks...", He looked back to the television, "The pranks?" "Why, yes. It's what we're supposed to do. We say, 'A day without fun, is like a day without fun'" "You're repeating yourself". Rangi nodded vigorously. "Something that important should be repeated". Jimmy was about to ask Rangi another question, when he was interrupted by a voice behind him. "Good thing you're not a gambling man, Jimmy, your Tigers would cost you a fortune." Jimmy turned to find a local bookie named Parker, wiping his hands on a paper towel as he returned from the men's room. "What do you mean?' Parker pointed to a large screen television across the room broadcasting the game with Jimmy's beloved Tigers. "Yup", Parker went on, "they're on their way to losing...again". He chuckled as he started to walk away. Jimmy didn't care for the bookie; any other town the cops would have shut him down, but with half the force places their bets with him, they tend to look the other way. "Well that's what being a true fan is all about", Jimmy yelled after him, "You stay with them even when times ain't good". "Well, 'time's ain't good' with them all too often", Parker laughed. A few others snickered at Parker's wit. Jimmy knew he shouldn't, but he was letting Parker get to him. "They could still win!" "No way", Parker pointed to the game, "Score's four to three, bottom of the ninth, two out, and Murphy's next at bat. Even if he doesn't strike out, he can't hit out of the park and he's their slowest runner. This game's over, dude" he sneered. Jimmy was about to make a comment when he thought he saw it. He watched as the cameras swept the crowd, the dugout, back to the field...there! In the outfield. A gremlin stood watching the players and scratching himself like he as a pro-baller himself. Jimmy had a hunch. "They've got two runners on base. There' still a chance they could win it". Parker took the bait. "Yeah, like a hundred to one chance", he sneered again. "I'll take it!" Jimmy pulled out his wallet. All he had inside was his last twenty, but he had that hunch. "Twenty says they win". Parker shook his head. "Much as I'd like to, Jimmy, I don't want to take your money. It wouldn't be fair to you". Jimmy held the twenty up, waving it back and forth."You offered, and now you don't want to bet?" Several of the bar's customers were taking notice of the discussion. Parker noticed that they noticed. "It's not that Jimmy. You don't ever make bets. I'd rather you had a chance". The room was getting quieter. The play-by-play announcer's voice played in the background. "Murphy getting settled in the batter's box...he watches...the pitch...in there for a strike!" Jimmy pushed. "You gave me a chance. Hundred to one chance". The room was very quiet now, with everyone watching the drama unfold at Parker's table. "Yeah. But come on Jimmy, the games almost over. You really want to waste your money like this" "The pitch...high and outside...one and one" "Well if you didn't want me to waste my money, why'd you make the offer?" People were watching. This was not good for business. "Look, Jimmy when I said a hundred to one..." There was the crack of a bat. "Murphy connects...but it's drifting to the stands...foul ball. Count now one and two..." Jimmy gave one last push. He set the twenty on the table. "Parker, put up or shut up". Dead quiet in the bar. Parker looked at the stats on TV. One and two. "It's a bet". All eyes were on the game. Many not realizing they were holding their breath. "The pitch...and it's an easy pop-up to center field...looks like this game is over as Sims backs to get under...he tripped!. Sims falls on his back as the ball lands safely for a base hit! Cooper' crosses the plate to tie the score as Rodriguez touches third! Sims scrambles to make the throw to home...but it is not in time! Tigers win five four in an unbelievable finish...let's watch the replay as the ball was hit..." The announcer's voice was drowned out by the whoops, whistles, and cheers in the bar. Jimmy didn't need to see the replay. He saw what tripped Sims. He could almost imagine the giggle it made as it ran from the field. "No way!" Parker yelled, furious. He pointed his finger at Jimmy. "You have got to be..." He paused as he saw that everyone was watching him. If he didn't pay off, his business was finished. He quickly pasted on a phony salesman-type smile he had practiced for years. "You have got to be the luckiest S.O.B. I've ever met". He counted out two thousand and placed it in Jimmy's hands. A day's profit gone, just like that. "And hey", he shouted to the crowd, "Just to prove I can be gracious in my defeat, I'm buying a round for everybody!" More cheers and whistles. Parker wrote it off as a business expense There were more games on today, and Parker knew that nothing lubricated a man's wallet like alcohol. He may recoup some of his loss before the night was over. Meanwhile, Jimmy had left the bar and once more was counting his winnings as he strode to where the bikes waited. On one side Rangi hopped along, excited. On his other side, equally excited, and hopping as well, was Trevor. "Oh man boss! That was the most...I mean the way you... you...I mean the...the...the...Wow!". Jimmy smiled at his friend. "Okay, maybe now I understand a little the thrill of the wager. It was...fun". He stashed the money in his wallet and tucked it into his pocket. "I'm in the mood for celebrating with a steak dinner. Wanna come? My treat". "You bet!!" said Trevor, and realizing the pun he just made, he giggled. Jimmy rolled his eyes. Rangi hopped up on the motorcycle, but suddenly remembered he promised not to tamper with it. He looked back at Jimmy. Jimmy smiled and gave a slight nod while he made a little "go ahead" motion with his hand. Rangi grinned and disappeared into the inner workings of the machine. "What the heck?':, thought Jimmy, "For two grand I guess I can put up with a little annoyance". "Oh man! The look on Parker's face when that guy tripped and lost the ball", Trevor carried on as they started the bikes, "That was priceless...hey boss, one of your highway lights is flickering". he pointed to the offending device. Jimmy placed his hand in front of the beam and watched the reflection flash of and on in time with the vibration of the motor "Hmmm! So it is". "I'm keep telling you boss, that machine of yours has a gremlin. You know, if you'd only get one of these good luck bells...". Jimmy held up his hand to stop him. "For the last time Trevor, it's probably a wire that vibrated loose. I am not ever putting a bell on this motorcycle". Rangi climbed onto his favorite riding position, looked over his shoulder with a smile at Jimmy, and gave a thumbs up. "Besides", Jimmy continued, "As any sane man will tell you, there ain't no such thing as a gremlin".