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Showing results for tags 'minister'.
Found 4 results
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Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted. Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are
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The Hillbilly Farmer A hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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"JUST CHECKING IN" A minister passing through his church In the middle of the day, Decided to pause by the altar And see who had come to pray. Just then the back door opened, A man came down the aisle, The minister frowned as he saw The man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kinda shabby And his coat was worn and frayed, The man knelt, he bowed his head, Then rose and walked away. In the days that followed, Each noon time came this chap, Each time he knelt just for a moment, A lunch pail in his lap. Well, the minister's suspicions grew, With robbery a main fear, He decided to stop the man and ask him, 'What are you doing here?' The old man said, he worked down the road. Lunch was half an hour. Lunchtime was his prayer time, For finding strength and power. 'I stay only moments, see, Because the factory is so far away; As I kneel here talking to the Lord, This is kinda what I say: 'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY.' The minister feeling foolish, Told Jim, that was fine. He told the man he was welcome To come and pray just anytime Time to go, Jim smiled, said 'Thanks.' He hurried to the door. The minister knelt at the altar, He'd never done it before. His cold heart melted, warmed with love, And met with Jesus there. As the tears flowed, in his heart, He repeated old Jim's prayer: 'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY.' Past noon one day, the minister noticed That old Jim hadn't come. As more days passed without Jim, He began to worry some. At the factory, he asked about him, Learning he was ill. The hospital staff was worried, But he'd given them a thrill. The week that Jim was with them, Brought changes in the ward. His smiles, a joy contagious. Changed people, were his reward. The head nurse couldn't understand Why Jim was so glad, When no flowers, calls or cards came, Not a visitor he had. The minister stayed by his bed, He voiced the nurse's concern: No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn. Looking surprised, old Jim spoke Up and with a winsome smile; 'the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know, That he's in here all the while Everyday at noon He's here, A dear friend of mine, you see, He sits right down, takes my hand, Leans over and says to me: 'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM, HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY, I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY, AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS CHECKING IN TODAY.' If this blesses you, pass it on. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart May God hold you in the palm of His hand And Angels watch over you. Please pass this page on to your friends & loved ones. If you aren't ashamed. Jesus said, ' If you are ashamed of me,' I will be ashamed Of you before my Father.' So this is me ... "Just Checking In"
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This has nothing to do with biking...but a funny thing happened last weekend. To make a long story short....my neice got married Sat night and we have been bustin our butts to get the farm ready for my parents 50th party the next day. My oldest son was suppose to be married by a jp in a couple of weeks, but Grandma made a special request from them Sat night. "Wouldn't it be fun if you two could be married on Grandpa and my 50th anniversary? I could line up a minister by tommorrow!" So, that's what happened!! The kids asked grandpa and grandma to stand up for them, the minister was a trooper and the guests that came for the anniversary party ended up at a wedding! They thought it was great! What a wonderful weekend and now I finally have a daughter!! Life is good! Thanks for letting me share.....
