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Showing results for tags 'husband'.
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Today Eileen and I celebrate 19 wonderful years as husband and wife. Some years have been better than others but all have been better than they would have been without her by my side. I'm hoping for at LEAST 19 more. -
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season. Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly. Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes. Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....... At this point the husband started crying... Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
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A young couple, just married, were in their hotel honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, ‘Here, put these on.’ She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. ‘I can't wear your pants,’ she said. ‘That's right,’ said the husband, ‘and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family.’ With that she flipped him her panties and said, ‘Try these on.’ He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. ‘Heck,’ he said, ‘I can't get into your panties!’ She replied, ‘That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!’
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To my husband I wish him a Happy Birthday. Thanks for Vegas.
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ___________________________________________ A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' ______________________________________ 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' __________________________________________ A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' __________________________________________ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' __________________________________________ A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. _________________________________________ Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' __________________________________________ A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' __________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. _________________________________________ The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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I was waking up on that morning from a sound slumber in my motorhome which was parked in Amarillo, 9 years ago today when I got the call from a friend wanting to know if I had seen the plasma trails or heard the explosion. I hadnt seen or heard anything I told her...I slept thru it. Turns out that the Shuttle Commander Rick Husband, and his Pilot, Willie McCool, were from Amarillo and Lubbock, and the ship probably began to break up at over 100,000 feet right over these two cities. It disintegrated during re-entry and the debris were scattered all over east Texas. Irony. Well they renamed the Amarillo International Airport to the Rick Husband International Airport in his memory. I'm originally from Amarillo. While I never had the pleasure of meeting Rick, I feel like one of 'us' was lost that day. What were YOU doing when you heard the news? [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF7kNBv1c6Y]In Memory of Rick Husband (1957-2003) - YouTube[/ame]
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Dear Santa, This year I have been a very good girl. If you are not too busy I would like to tell you what I would like for Christmas. I really need my very own computer ...a white one (my husband kinda hogs this one). And....I don't know how you feel about jewelry...but I really like it.... Did I mention that I have been a very..very..good girl ? Thank You for your time.... P.S. please bring my husband a little something. He is very very handsome. Did I mention that I have been very good this year?
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. ... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?..." she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
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TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wifeasks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the sideof the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Canwe take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose." And then the fight started!
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Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked. "Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating a$$hole !!!
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Ok folks... this is the real deal... This came from my friend Kim who's husband works for Esso... Apparently this is for real... somewhere out West.
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: July 19, 2010 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of Yours?" "Yep!" the wife replied, "In-laws!"
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DIVORCE versus MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.'
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This article is about my friend....I found out about it reading the morning news. Will be on the way to see her husband in a few.... http://www.macon.com/2010/11/09/1334398/motorcyclist-dies-in-warner-robins.html
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During Linda's and my trip to the Outer Banks during my birthday weekend in late September, we had one of those momentary encounters that made me think. I missed the turn that would have been toward the northern strip of the Outer Banks where Kitty Hawk is located and ended up going up toward Chesapeake Bay, Va. When I realized what had happened, I made a u-turn and came upon a rest area. The interesting thing was one side of the rest area was the highway and on the other side was a canal with a dock. When we pulled in, I noticed there was a sail boat docked there that was probably between 35 to 40 feet long. A real nice boat. The couple on the boat was waiting for a lock or something to open and had several hours to kill. I went in to use the rest room and Linda, being the friendly person she is, had walked over and struck up a conversation with the couple and was admiring their boat. They were both very friendly and seemed to appreciate having someone to talk to during their wait. The wife was more of the quiet type and the husband was more the type A personality. After we got back on the bike and back on the highway, Linda mentioned that while the husband was showing me the boat, the wife had moved closer to her and in a low voice, mentioned that she used to ride. It was like she did not want her husband to hear her say this. Now, this made Linda and me both wonder what this was all about and was this with a previous marriage, or boy friend or what, but Linda felt like it must have been something she had enjoyed doing with the way she said it. It also made me wonder if the woman would have rather been on the back of, or even driving a motorcycle, than to be confined to that sailboat. RandyA
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PENSION SEX Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pensionsex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' ' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Spent the night With my daughter Ashley and husband Coby at Conemaugh in Johnstown, Pa were she was taken by ambulance after a ultra sound indicated that the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck 4 times. Was later told the last weeks U S showed the cord being wrapped 3 times but did not tell her. They have diagnosed her with preeclampsia which she had early signs of and they had been testing her for two weeks before. Her blood pressure is high, too much protein in the urine, her platelets are too low and they are giving her magnesium for that. That being said, the Dr's. are trying to delay things until this evening with hopes the lungs will develop more with the help of yet another IV (steroid) added to the 5 others. This is her first pregnancy and she and her husband are frightened. They are prepared to do an emergency C if momma or baby have too much distress. They do need a lot of prayers! Regards Dave
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Well heading up to NY tomorrow. Have some stuff to drop off for my niece for Christmas, so I'm taking David with me. It's about time he meets the family. Since he is kind of my 2nd husband now. I'll be back around thursday or friday. Margaret
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.....today I went on the Patriot Guard Riders website (haven't for a while) and went to the Letters of Appreciation....read on page 22 the following: 11/3/08 Oh goodness....I have no clue as to where to start. This makes me cry and makes me laugh and if I offend anyone, I ask you NOW ....before you read any further ..... to please forgive me....and my deceased husband! *smile* I cannot begin to tell you how many times we have seen in passing a group of you Guards....had no clue as to who you were, where you were going or where you had been! You could have been up to no good for all we knew! ...(you know....the bikes, the hair, the tattoos, the leather.....) Sometimes people can't see the forest for the trees.....this is so true with us. Neither John (my husband that you rode for) nor I like tattoos....in fact., we can't stand them! When we'd see people with them we would cringe! I'd say, "Why would anyone mess up their beautiful skin?"...and he'd agree....and we'd pass the "burley-looking" men and their women and wonder....really wonder....what kind of people they were. Well, let me tell you right now......I now know WHO you are and WHAT you do and WHERE you've been ....OR ARE GOING! ........ Don't be surprised if some time when you are out and about standing in some parking lot and some ole lady walks up to you and squeezes you to pieces without saying a word.....'cause I probably won't be able to speak for being so touched!....to just accept my big ole hug! From both John and myself! He would have been so proud! You did him good! I will NEVER look upon another "Biker" as a burley-ole-soul with nothing to do 'cept ride around on their bike! I ask you to forgive me....and John...for passing judgment when we had no clue! You people are the best! I cannot begin to thank you enough for everything you did for this family and what you do for other families. When I win the lottery I'm going to make a huge contribution! *smile* And for the person who played Taps.....thank you, thank you, thank you! All you dear, wonderful men and women of the PGR hold a special place in my heart! In loving memory of my husband, John L. O'Connor, SSGT USAF DOB 03/10/30 DOD 10/25/08 Barb O'Connor WOW! Broke me up....reminded me why I ride with the PGR....since moving down here to Southern California with the new job, just haven't had time to ride much, haven't been on a PGR mission since I've been down.....got to make some time in my life again to RIDE WITH RESPECT.... Have a good day everyone and remember, we can make a difference....
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It might have been around Labor Day when I last was on the forum here. My husband and I were asked to get my uncle's '83 Venture running. Over the Labor Day weekend, we almost did, then my husband knocked a hole in one of the carb float bowl covers, so we pulled the carbs again and brought them home. Since my uncle lives three hours away, we got a bike trailer and went back for the bike. A busy life and apprehension delayed us pulling the bike off the trailer until a week ago. I patched the hole in the carb with some of that two part epoxy stick the obnoxious guy on television pitches, and we put capfulls of Seafoam in the jets we could get to, and reinstalled the carbs. Yesterday, we drained the fuel tank and put fresh gas in. With coaxing, the engine started and ran, mostly on three cylinders, sometimes four, and for maybe the first time since 1996, the motorcycle actually moved under its own power. My husband was straddling it, letting the engine warm, twisting the throttle, listening for the fourth cylinder to fire. As the old girl warmed and idled without choke, he decided to just see what would happen if he shifted to first and eased out the clutch. She wanted to go, so he, with no seat installed, gingerly putted a couple of laps around the house. Well, that was dicey, so he put a helmet and jacket on, and decided to see if she'd go up and down the street. Second and third gears are fine, and fast enough without a seat, or rear brake, and poor front brake. There's no power to the instrument cluster, or blinkers, or headlight. Not surprising, there appear to be a couple of exaust leaks. The fuel flow valve needs to be replaced. The plastic is crumbled, so the valve can't be turned. We'd like to put a better one on it. I haven't searched yet, but am hoping to find out if others here have replaced their fuel valves with better ones. The one on my Vulcan looks like it'd fit, so I'm hoping I can replace it with a Kawi valve.
