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Showing results for tags 'golfer'.
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Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. Eight Iron Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron. The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing." = The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' She replied: "Everything but my ear rings!" = Fore! My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go." Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.' A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. = Scratch Golfer Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
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# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" # 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." # 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." # 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." # 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." # 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." # 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." # 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." # 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." # 1 -- Best Caddy Comment ..... Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
