I thought I share this life with yous

[Patch]

Some time back I and a few here shared some of our younger days of experience as well as a bit of the results from such a start.

And that some 30 odd years ago I wrote a book on my life growing up within such an environment. Most of my life I lived a promise of who and what or names of, would not be revealed.... All of those I knew and looked up too in those early days are gone; much of which happened after I broke free. Braking free was not something that can be easily put into words. Coloring the pictures of the events that took place is something on the first go around I was capable of doing after all, I was still angry, my hatred still pulsed thru my core I was absent of forgiveness.

I need to make something very clear, I was never a part of the Mob as Puc eluded to some time back. I am a French Irish English mix. It is true tho there was a structure to the bunch that I grew up with. We were never obvious nor were we flashy nor were we trouble makers in any public sense of the word, it was not tolerated. 

For some time I have been asked to rewrite the book, "it may help others" I've heard many times. The truth as I have come to know it is that, while it may be an interesting read I do not believe it will instill the determination and willingness to fight thru the betrayals and the weak that pursue out numbering the one trying to make the change.

A long long time ago I wrote these words "and betrayal an often jester" . I didn't have to stand alone I chose to. I did not lose faith nor did I find any new to me. I maintained my saints or became the devil as and when required that was simply the way it had to be and, it was never to me a sad story.

I told my boys from the beginning "want to be a tough guy, put your boots on, meet your responsibilities be an honest man". Over the years I have had the opportunity to help others wanting to change their life, it’s just a conversation really on what they may need to accept and expect. Most wait too long and many are just confused or trying to run from a done deal.

In my time and where I grew up there was no outside help. No law that would in any way be of assistance to me. I had to prove I could and would stand on my own, and that I was still the young guy that grew under their wing and, that my word was still worth believing. Why my word?  I had an enemy and he had the ear of the big guy older guys that knew me.  Here's the tricky part: a message showed up in the form of 2, in the dark and in a blind spot. I knew one too well the other likely a recent recruit with his right hand in his suede coat pocket ,5'9, buck 70, dark hair short reach 90* to the one I knew, less than a foot from his shoulder (armature)! The devil flashed and I was on them faster than a heart beat. Dealing with the one I knew first and using him to take down the armature I played my hand without mercy. I then turn my attention to the  armature replying to the message  then advised him to not trust the fellow he was there to protect ever "I've known him all my life like a father, he will, get you killed" . I did not trust the one I knew to give my answer to the big guy, the armature on the other hand would have no choice and someone would have to explain the condition of the other, and someone would then ask why the Kid would do that to you. And the big guy would then remind them of our agreement.

Really not worth a book anymore is how I feel these days, the anger and hatred doesn't exist anymore, so there's no color to the memories, that would just be a boring read.

On the other hand for those that would like some sharing of experiences of that kind of life I found these 2 channels. These 2 guys that have decided to share and worn the young away from such a life speak truth to what it truly is like, in my opinion.

There was something Sammy said that I could relate to, the luck of the draw for that video showing up in my inbox is an understatement. These guys mean different things to different people; I see similarities to which I can relate. I was never them, never like them, I had zero money motivation, I was just trying to live within the hand I was dealt. I was fortunate to learn to think for myself young enough deciding that my life was mine to live my way.

If you chose to watch or subscribe to their channels may I suggest if you chose to write comments, be mindful with your words, some crazies there in the comment section. You might need to past the links to their channels

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2qsQ8pUNhhANzMIy6kha2w/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4xuh0pSLRLhzWGUnpOlvXw

 

Edited December 31, 2020 by Patch

[circa1968]

Do not judge a man by his past.  As he stands before you, he is defined by his current path in life.  But, do not judge the man by that path either, lest he may also judge you for the path you are on.  It is not for either to judge the other!  When your path's cross, appreciate the uniqueness of the two separate prior paths which brought you to that very spot where you now meet.  If you now walk on the same path, even for a short time, you both benefit from the other's knowledge on their prior path.

 

I write these words from what I've learned from my own failings on my path.  We learn from our mistakes and become better with time and from the grace of the people we cross paths with.  This is why, God willing, I want to live to be 100 (+), so much more to learn!

[Patch]

8 hours ago, circa1968 said:

Do not judge a man by his past.  As he stands before you, he is defined by his current path in life.  But, do not judge the man by that path either, lest he may also judge you for the path you are on.  It is not for either to judge the other!  When your path's cross, appreciate the uniqueness of the two separate prior paths which brought you to that very spot where you now meet.  If you now walk on the same path, even for a short time, you both benefit from the other's knowledge on their prior path.

 

I write these words from what I've learned from my own failings on my path.  We learn from our mistakes and become better with time and from the grace of the people we cross paths with.  This is why, God willing, I want to live to be 100 (+), so much more to learn!

WOW!!

I guess I' will prove your words: tomorrow tho,  a peek at the first page

[Patch]

Alright, I ended up being called in for surgery and had to prepare for it then recuperate, just didn't have the mindset to followup with this thread.

I came across a video this morning that jarred a few memories from my past. If this stuff is of interest take a peak, I'll share a breakdown of what set me (and others like me that went thru similar starts) Now watch the Lion Heart as she scrambles to her feet. Is she the child's mother or assuming the responsibility? 

[Patch]

Boy can I still see, hear and feel the craziness of moments just like that video demonstrates.

What I experienced early in life would turn to shape how I anticipated the tomorrows. I just assumed men older than me were not to be trusted, always be ready to run, be ready to shut the coming hurt off, no time to wallow, do what you can to distract him and run. Man I could climb anything, stick to a brick wall like a spider, shimmy up a telephone pole cross thru the lines to another yard like a squirrel!

My old man was a violently crazy, Dr. Jackal one minute have your Hide the next. He often ran with a bunch of losers, wanttobe’s yaknow the kind. Yet he was gifted too in engineering.

As a kid I had all the broken bones, torn ligaments, ringing ears, black eyes, afraid to sleep markings of a kid growing up bent. There were standoffs with the police, hostage with camp servitors, dragging me along was a stall tactic.. One night with the camp servitors think it was in 66 I grabbed a paring knife to hold him off us while he was negotiating with the police over the lobby intercom receiver. He and I thought my Mom dead; I was boiling over with rage.

In 67 he fell tearing off his foot at the ankle; landing as I entered the yard. “get me something to drink” he barked lying face down. The lady there gave me a bottle of whiskey to bring him, the neighbor next door a Dr. gave him a shot of morphine. In those days the ambulance was run by the police and one of them put his arm around me walking me towards the apple tree in the yard “he’ll be OK” he said, I responded “I hope he dies there”.

Jumping forward to the late 13/14 age and in another fit of violence I reached for my bat out of my room and puppy began biting back. The gift of the bat that lurked behind my bedroom door is actually an interesting one. I was not a sport enthusiast as a kid; the fellow who gifted it was a brother in-law and a brother to me. He was also a student of Judo. My Oldman tried very hard to throw him out the 3^rd story window once.

Anyways after that event I was relabelled by family services detained and brought before a judge. I was now waring the title of a potential youth dangerous offender. For one year I was ordered to be under the supervision of Psychiatry. Every week I’d bus to an old institution, was it scary, yup, did it help, yup. What did I find there at the institution? Someone that listened objectively, not judgemental rather a leveling force! She explained that I was more my mother’s son than my fathers and that violence as a weapon was what I knew but not who I had to be? Does one learn the in’s and out’s in a year NO, but the concept seeded  

Next and not long after I met a fellow; he picked me up from somewhere in a 67 candy apple red corvette. I had met him twice before thru a family member; anyways, he drove me home to the old building we were getting ready to move away from. As we walked to the walk leading to the building he placed his right hand on  my shoulder and said “look kid I know about your Oldman he won’t bother you anymore, I promise, don’t worry about him OK” thanks I said, OK. Little did I know then I was green enough for the picking, I had the essentials already seeded. He and I were tight for a long time, in those days he was what we referred to as a syndicate man. After my year was up it was time to place me and I ended up with him as my guardian. Our tightness hit a snag, I can’t share the details but it was my turning point and man was I angry. Thru their teachings they had made me a formidable enemy.  This proved to be quite a difficult situation as there was zero chance of making the wrong right. If I fell away there would be no not knowing why. So an agreement was struck and I left the life but, I did not leave the need to revenge it.

The ins and outs let’s just say eventually played and as mentioned above I refused to back down or give an inch because I knew in doing so I would show signs of weakening, my family would pay for it when I was not around. So it is true that equaling the score was not my way; if there was an encroachment it was 2 for 1 that is how I kept them away from my family friends and neighborhood.

Yes it was a hard life at that age but, never a sad one. Yes I have regrets but I was Mama’s Boy and her Lions Heart beat within me. What I did and had to do was out weight by the good that came of it.

My training: I learned that on the streets and in an underground parking. A Fellow named Eve taught his son and I together, he was a hand to hand combat instructor during the Korean war time. He, not I  worked for and as an enforcer. I grew my skills on the street and in other training as well. I didn’t stop training till my 50’s. Having kept this to myself for most of my life, I have in recent years been able to rely on it with confidence for which I am grateful. I still get involved on behalf of those that cannot. Yes as my oldest says, “dad you are getting to old for this” I know it to be true but it is who I am and, I’ve earned every ache and mark on me, sometimes it’s just worth being Johnny-on-the-spot

Based on what I grew thru sometimes as happened a stranger can do more good by not looking away. It can be as simple as someone not having to stand alone in a crowd. Step up when you can, when you can’t then do the next best thing.

 

Now as to your words GH.:

 

From my book:

 

“While I have decided to share some memories of my early years I cannot promise the whole truth, nor can I claim more pain, more hurt, more shame then other young innocent children of this world both past and present! I can say however for those of us that have had a cruel start to life, victims in the eyes of some, set on a violent path to a violent life, where violence is the only known path likely to inflict the {scars of raging cruelty} this infection of our early teachings on to those that cross or share our path; is simply not written in stone.

Stop the cycle. Stop the anger, remove yourself, run if you must, stay gone if necessary. When the noises in your head become bearable, sleep is no longer a fear, when the sudden movement of a stranger extending his arm pointing to his wrist is no longer perceived as an immediate threat; when the scent around you no longer causes you to bead with sweat; then, no longer does the ghetto control your fate, you are free to make your own statements and choices not based on which punishment awaits you. Now free to live without fear, anger and hatred. You have survived them, free to live as you choose one moment at a time; and, you will grow stronger than most:  now you’ll be fine! But, remember, always keep the door to those memories, locked shut!

I would like to thank all those that shaped the man I have grown to be and that must include all, to the bad I say I have no hatred left to keep you alive, to the good there are not words worthy enough that can express how important a role you played, regardless of the time we shared.

Patch”