Colonscopy

[Condor]

So a week ago I had mine and then got this in the email box from my older cousin....

 

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Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

'Can you hear me NOW?'

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'[/TD]

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[BlueSky]

Funny stuff! I decided that the preparation might kill an old man so I cancelled my appointment. Then they did the Cologuard thing instead.

[Condor]

Funny stuff! I decided that the preparation might kill an old man so I cancelled my appointment. Then they did the Cologuard thing instead.

 

I had minor scope about 12 years ago and they did find a polyp but didn't do anything about it. 5 years later they were slicing and dicing my colon and removing a large tumor. It came from that polyp... This last one they found another and removed it... Not supposed to go in again for another 5 years. By then I'll be in my mid 80's, and I think I'll pass too... :-)

[Freebird]

It is not as bad as it sounds. I've had two done twice so far. Next one is about 5 years. Preparation isn't great but I've gone through worse. One they put their stuff in the IV, I remember nothing until I wake up and it's all over. No pain at all. People make too big a deal of it I think. Funny story though.

 

By the way, Dave Barry wrote a good one on the procedure. Very similar to that one and it actually may be the same one, just don't remember it all.

Edited June 29, 2019 by Freebird

[Freebird]

Just found Dave Barry's and yep, that was it.

 

https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html

[Condor]

Just found Dave Barry's and yep, that was it.

 

https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html

 

When I first read it, I thought it might be from Patrick McManus, a writer for Field and Stream back in the '60's-70's. Same writing style. I was given a paper back by a buddy

titled ' A Fine and Pleasant Misery'. One of the funniest books I've ever read. Barry may have been influenced by him... Funny stuff no matter what....

 

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[videoarizona]

Here's one I got yesterday:

 

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What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

 

 

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your older brother's friends.

 

 

It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

 

 

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

 

 

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

 

 

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

 

 

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

 

 

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

 

 

Is that blood?

 

 

False alarm.

 

 

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

 

 

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

 

 

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

 

 

You meet Jesus.

 

 

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

 

 

You're broken.

 

 

Your *******'s broken.

 

 

Your spirit's broken.

 

 

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

 

 

-unknown

[Jcfuzzzyface47]

When anyone asks me about it I ask them have they every seen the shuttle take off.

[Jcfuzzzyface47]

When anyone asks me about it I ask them have they every seen the shuttle take off.

[Condor]

All joking aside, the best part of the whole thing was hitting the Outback Restaurant on the way home and piggin' out on a Bloomin' Onion... Ate the whole dang thing.... Gotta prime the system...