This is tough

[uncledj]

Dad's soon to be 95.

He's been living on his own up until late last Spring, up in Youngstown, about 3 hrs North of me.

I used to go up every other weekend to make sure he had groceries, to fill his pill dispenser clean up the apartment and so on.

It got to the point where he started falling, and we decided to move him down to Central OH. with us.

I have a small deck off the side of the house that led to a hot tub, so I removed the hot tub and set up a 36' travel trailer so he could step out of the trailer, across the deck and into the house. He has independance, we have privacy, but we're right there. I removed the blackwater tank and tied the sewage to the house septic, and supplied water from the house as well.

It's actually pretty comfortable.

The problem is that he's still falling, and now after two ambulance rides, and two hospital stays, there doesn't seem to be much we can do about it. He says he just blacks out.

He is getting to the point that he needs constant care, and with Lisa and I both working full time, and also taking care of my Autistic brother in an apartment I built onto the garage.....I believe it's beyond us to continue like this.

We have no life and are barely able to handle Dads needs, and I'm worried that the late starts that've been necessary to start Dads day are going to get me in trouble at work.

I'm getting resigned to the idea that Dad needs to go into a home, but he doesn't want it, .....and I don't blame him.....Lisa is staunchly against it....and I don't blame her......but I don't know what else to do.

He's very old, but he's in good health physically....but he's getting to the point that he can't comprehend simple tasks. If he keeps falling he's going to get really hurt. Right now, we're just kinda waiting for the next event........

Gotta figure this out.

[Freebird]

That's a tough one to work through. I understand how you feel. My situation is not as bad as yours but challenging still.

 

In my opinion, you have only two options. The first would be, as you say, to get him into some type of assisted living home. If he and Lisa absolutely refuse to go with that option, the only other one is to hire an aid to help with his needs. It sounds like it has reached the point where it would need to be a full time live in health aid. I don't know what kind of financial assistance is available, if any, for such help but certainly something that you should look into.

 

My brother in law is quickly reaching that point. I've been running his business and working my full time job since January and I too have to be very careful that I don't get into trouble with my company while trying to keep his business going also. It's a thin line to walk sometimes. He is still living on his own but luckily he only lives about 5 minutes from us. Still, my wife is so worried that she is going to go over there some morning and find that he has passed away. She so wants us to be there during his final time but there is no way to assure that we will be.

 

Our prayers are with you and your family in this decision.

[XV1100SE]

Know where you are coming from. My father is 95, still lives in his own house, still does gardening, grass cutting, clearing snow in winter. I'm lucky though because he is still physically and mentally in good shape. He says he forgets some things but you can ask him about anything and he remembers. He went to the optometrist recently and still has 20/20 vision. He's mentioned going to an old folks home but he can still look after himself and quite often elderly people go to a home and then get sick. We kid with him that if he does go into a home the 70 year old women will be chasing him !

 

Have you considered home care? Someone that spends the day with him while you are at work, or could come in, get him started in the morning and check on him thru the day? Would be cheaper than a home and if he is still mentally with it, he can stay with you as long as possible.

[snyper316]

I have done the in home health care thing, It was one of my better jobs and I miss it tremondously. I know the company I worked for not only did you have a nurse come check on the person but they got an In home health aid which would pretty much be the maid, butler, someone to chat with, and someone that just helped in general. I did get discouraged at one time, my client loved his wrestling. Old time wrestling from the 80's. Needless to say I would get housework done and pretty much hang out with him watching wrestling until it was time to go. Now I went back and told my bosses that I felt bad for getting paid to watch TV with the guy, there like no no don't feel bad you are doing your job as exactly was meant to be. So let me get this straight I got the housework done and watched wrestling with him for 3 hours and this was perfectly fine. O ok so I had to load the tapes in the VCR because he was not able to but I sure did love that job. Basically someone there to keep an eye on them and make sure they don't get into trouble. If I was you I would try this option first, and the Visiting Nurse will let you know how they feel if anything else is needed. I think the nurse came 2 times a week to check on my client, but it is also as needed another client of mine had a nurse visit every other week. My mom when she had it had a nurse check on her once a month..... So I would definatly check into something like that for your dad.

[Condor]

Sounds like the only problem you're having is he blacks out and falls.. Otherwise he's healthy and mentally OK. Sounds like walkers and canes, or one of those inside mobility scooters with arm rests. That way if he blacks out he'll come to in the scooter.. Looks like you've done a very nice job of taking care of the family living and care conveniences. Who knows he might make it to 110!!

[uncledj]

He has a Physical Therapist coming in twice a week now. (New info). We met with him today, and he says Dad's surprisingly strong for someone his age, and believes some regular exercise will do him a world of good.

Lisa and I talked (aggressively) about it and after cooling down on both sides, we've decided to arrange some level of home care.

I think that'll take a lot of stress off of us, but does nothing to resolve the falling issue. We generally check on him a couple of times a night, and that'll have to continue, but are hoping that with some therapy the threat will be eased somewhat.

We'll hang in there as best we can until we can't do it anymore.

[CaseyJ955]

He has a Physical Therapist coming in twice a week now. (New info). We met with him today, and he says Dad's surprisingly strong for someone his age, and believes some regular exercise will do him a world of good.

Lisa and I talked (aggressively) about it and after cooling down on both sides, we've decided to arrange some level of home care.

I think that'll take a lot of stress off of us, but does nothing to resolve the falling issue. We generally check on him a couple of times a night, and that'll have to continue, but are hoping that with some therapy the threat will be eased somewhat.

We'll hang in there as best we can until we can't do it anymore.

 

For fall prevention check the basics first. No rugs, extension cords, abrupt thresholds, furniture or stuff in the way and that sort of thing. Proper lighting is necessary too, glasses with right Rx and shoe fit should be good. Also bathroom (or anywhere) grab rails, shower chair if necessary, even a walker for getting around the house if he is receptive to using it, many are not. There is an assistive device for almost anything. If the falls are from blackouts then need to get the dr involved to see if you can figure out specifically why and hopefully remedy it. If it comes to a point where the falls persist in spite of all other efforts he will need someone with him all the time, be it in a facility or at home. Caregiver burnout is a pretty real thing so a regular respite fill-in is a good thing. He's lucky to have family to do this, not everyone does. Best of luck.

[snyper316]

For fall prevention check the basics first. No rugs, extension cords, abrupt thresholds, furniture or stuff in the way and that sort of thing. Proper lighting is necessary too, glasses with right Rx and shoe fit should be good. Also bathroom (or anywhere) grab rails, shower chair if necessary, even a walker for getting around the house if he is receptive to using it, many are not. There is an assistive device for almost anything. If the falls are from blackouts then need to get the dr involved to see if you can figure out specifically why and hopefully remedy it. If it comes to a point where the falls persist in spite of all other efforts he will need someone with him all the time, be it in a facility or at home. Caregiver burnout is a pretty real thing so a regular respite fill-in is a good thing. He's lucky to have family to do this, not everyone does. Best of luck.

 

 

Damn man you hit the Nail on the head there, specially with glasses. Got to remember he is a male after all and noone wants to admit they did not see something. Just easier to say they blacked out, not saying he isn't but its hard for men to stop and ask for directions and admit when they are lost no matter what our age is!! I like my dad would drive aimlessly hoping to find a road that I knew. After hours if I hadn't found it I would then ask....

[CaseyJ955]

Damn man you hit the Nail on the head there, specially with glasses. Got to remember he is a male after all and noone wants to admit they did not see something. Just easier to say they blacked out, not saying he isn't but its hard for men to stop and ask for directions and admit when they are lost no matter what our age is!! I like my dad would drive aimlessly hoping to find a road that I knew. After hours if I hadn't found it I would then ask....

 

When one has been independent for the better part of a century it can be tough to give up control. This man probably lived through the dust bowl if he was in the USA so no doubt he's probably tough as nails and used to taking care of himself and his family, seeing the tables turn is not often an easy adjustment. It's very important to include him in every step to keep him feeling in control. If he's of sound mind he should be an active part of planning his care. Compliance is so much easier when a patient has some choice and control over as much of it as possible. I have seen some seniors go full rebel when they feel like they have lost all control over their lives, so control or perception of is important.

 

There are home care nurses that can go through the house and address risk factors for falls and adjustments that can be made to increase safety. Also nice to allow him to do everything for himself that he is able to do, if you can make adjustments so that he can do his own ADLs thats a good move. Preservation of dignity is huge where it's safely possible. Not a bad idea to formulate a back-up plan for if/when he does need full care. It sucks to try and hustle that together after you need it and time becomes a real factor. Some of these rules change when you kick into hospice mode so if you get lucky your dr can hook you up. Make sure he's not one of those sissy doctors that wont scribe liquid MS for a hospice patient. When I'm in hospice I definitely want MS (Morphine Sulfate), it's in my advanced directives. If he does not have advanced directives now is a great time to get it sorted out or review the existing directives and make sure they reflect his current wishes. Busy time for sure. Feel free to call me if you have any questions. I'm a long ways away but happy to help if I can.

[N3FOL]

He has a Physical Therapist coming in twice a week now. (New info). We met with him today, and he says Dad's surprisingly strong for someone his age, and believes some regular exercise will do him a world of good.

Lisa and I talked (aggressively) about it and after cooling down on both sides, we've decided to arrange some level of home care.

I think that'll take a lot of stress off of us, but does nothing to resolve the falling issue. We generally check on him a couple of times a night, and that'll have to continue, but are hoping that with some therapy the threat will be eased somewhat.

We'll hang in there as best we can until we can't do it anymore.

 

I like your attitude. Stick with the plan and be ready for the long hard road. Things will get better one way or another. My Prayers are with you and your family.

[snyper316]

When one has been independent for the better part of a century it can be tough to give up control. This man probably lived through the dust bowl if he was in the USA so no doubt he's probably tough as nails and used to taking care of himself and his family, seeing the tables turn is not often an easy adjustment. It's very important to include him in every step to keep him feeling in control. If he's of sound mind he should be an active part of planning his care. Compliance is so much easier when a patient has some choice and control over as much of it as possible. I have seen some seniors go full rebel when they feel like they have lost all control over their lives, so control or perception of is important.

 

There are home care nurses that can go through the house and address risk factors for falls and adjustments that can be made to increase safety. Also nice to allow him to do everything for himself that he is able to do, if you can make adjustments so that he can do his own ADLs thats a good move. Preservation of dignity is huge where it's safely possible. Not a bad idea to formulate a back-up plan for if/when he does need full care. It sucks to try and hustle that together after you need it and time becomes a real factor. Some of these rules change when you kick into hospice mode so if you get lucky your dr can hook you up. Make sure he's not one of those sissy doctors that wont scribe liquid MS for a hospice patient. When I'm in hospice I definitely want MS (Morphine Sulfate), it's in my advanced directives. If he does not have advanced directives now is a great time to get it sorted out or review the existing directives and make sure they reflect his current wishes. Busy time for sure. Feel free to call me if you have any questions. I'm a long ways away but happy to help if I can.

 

Yeah all good plans, I really really really miss my home care job now. The latter of your topic here not so much, but glad I got to be for my dear friend June when the cancer took her. All we could do is make her as confortable as possible, I remember the last thing she said to me. Cut me to the core, I am scared. I looked at her she said not of dieing but what might happen to Kevin. Wanted me to keep an eye on him, now that is where I feel bad.... He is in the pen for the rest of his life... that woman was really his ball and chain... I am glad the poster got thru and worked thru the kinks as it is a hard decision no matter how you slice it whether it be brother, sister, aunt, uncle, mom or dad; For that matter your kids is when you have to give in and get the help they need. But I have also seen Senior go postal myself. They may look small or frail but you don't want to be on there bad side...