At what point.....and how...???

[uncledj]

Wife and I went over to Dads' apartment and did some cleaning up and reorganizing for him. He's soon to be 94 and still gets along pretty well, but has difficulty seeing. He has macular degeneration, and can still read if the print's large enough, which I guess is pretty good for his advanced age. His faculties are still mostly there....sometimes he can be forgetful and occasionally gets a little confused, but all in all he's still fully functioning and caring for himself. I live about 3 hrs from him and try to stop by as much as I can, and his closest assistance is his grand daughter who lives only a couple of miles from him.

He has a girlfriend who lives about 45 minutes from him, and most weekends he drives to her house and they'll go to dinner, or church or the casino, and do whatever those crazy kids do.

 

Here's the problem.......

We're... (myself, and the other 3 children who care for him)... questioning whether he should be driving.

I'm not sure that he should be driving, and have heard comments from others that live in his (elderly) apartment complex that his driving isn't so good. I myself have not seen him drive in years now, as every time I'm going somewhere with him he insists I drive.

 

If he were to lose his ability to drive, he'd lose much of his freedom and independence, not to speak of his ability to see his girlfriend.

I'm afraid that it'd break his spirit and it'd be the end of him.

The place where he lives has a van that comes by to take the folks for groceries and some events, so he would have that option, but I don't know how much of a consolation that'd be.

 

I recently brought up the subject, asking how he felt about driving......if he thought he was competent....and he said "Yes"....

 

So, ....that's the question I've been contemplating.....

At what point do you step in and take action?

How would one go about it without creating bad feelings?

 

Pic of Dad and I taken recently, then pic of Dad in WWII....not sure where he was in the pic. lol

Edited September 4, 2016 by uncledj
Added pics

[XV1100SE]

My Dad is 94 and still lives in his own house, does his own cooking, does yard work. He'd be shoveling snow by hand still if my sister hadn't talked him into using a snow blower a couple years ago. Still mentally and physically "with it".

 

Some people as they grow older refuse to give up their license. My Dad realized about 8 years ago that he shouldn't be driving and gave up his license without anyone forcing him to do it. He realized his reactions weren't what they used to be.

 

You have to determine if your father can still drive...for the safety of him and everyone else on the road. Does he still pass driving tests? I'm assuming your area requires that after a certain age the elderly have to take the test every year or so. If he can pass the driving test, then maybe he is okay....but consider his safety and others.

[uncledj]

​ No such age requirements.

[ragtop69gs]

Dj, we had to deal with exactly that issue with my mother & father-in-law, unfortunately there is no good way of dealing with this. Best you can do is have a talk with your dad, tell him your concerns, expressing your fears about him hurting himself or others then ask him to go to the DMV for an eye test. If there public transportation services available in his area you should be prepared to explain those options to him. There is also Uber that will take him wherever he wants to go.

 

Both my mom & father-in-law were mad at us for awhile when we took the car but they got over it.

 

Good luck

 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

[gggGary]

This is REALLY tough! Stopped mom about 4 years ago at 85. Confusion was getting obvious. She was mad at me about that for YEARS. Her second husband hadn't quit until the Buick was toast when he pulled out into a busy road because he " just couldn't wait anymore" The car did it's job, protecting mom when a van punched her door at 25MPH. Much more recently my uncle at 85 was at that point. He wouldn't even think of quitting. I'll be straight, there is an inheritance involved, NO ONE wanted to be the one to stop him. His danged doctor was spineless also, refusing to send in the state form that started the the retest and fitness evaluation!!! Finally he nailed a cement pylon in the parking garage and we were able to get the local police involved. They kind of hoodwinked him a bit, he surrendered his license, he traded it for an ID card and we got the car fixed and sold.

 

Take away from that? Check with the state DOT and local PD, many have a "retest and skills evaluation" available to stop those who's time has come. You might be surprised about how many resources are available if you look. Call the closest "commission on aging" this is often done at county level. They deal with these types of issues all the time and can get the ball rolling and ease the transition. There usually is a local taxi service that provides rides cheaper than the expense of maintaining a car. They often have coupon books available for purchase. The local hospice/ home care often can be used, they will do a surprising amount of "different than you might expect" services. In my uncle's case a gal comes by a few times a week does chores and they "go out to lunch" and run any needed errands. One gal set up a day and took him to a major league baseball game in a city 50 miles away, he was thrilled and had a great time, this was a slight bending of the rules but none complained. I am 100 miles and my uncles other nephew is 75 miles away so we get there but not all the time. The thing is the adjustment is easier than you would think. And not stopping the driving is a sword of Damocles hanging over YOUR head, what if he hits a pedestrian or kid on a bike that he should have seen, but no longer could react properly to an unusual situation? You don't want that on your conscience. Driving IS a huge statement of independence that is really wrapped up in the american psych. At 61 I see signs of my declining "sharpness" scary to think where I will be mentally in twenty years if fate doesn't intervene...

[Marcarl]

As you get older you think you can still do everything you did when you were younger. Hey, I've driven fine all my life, never an accident, and I'm still just fine, haven't run into anything yet have I?

That was my father-in-law. We needed to have his license taken away.

Maybe some background there for you to use during your time with him and trying to map out the future.

As mentioned: it's not him that I would worry about, but about the somebody else that also might be involved. Mention that if he does hurt himself he might end up in the hospital, maybe never get out and it would be extremely hard to see his girl friend from there.

[BlueSky]

In 2008, I worked in Crystal River, FL. I rented a house in a large subdivision that had an entrance to a highway with a 55mph speed limit. Lots of retirees were living in that subdivision. There was a stop light at the entrance. But, quite often an elderly driver would pull out in front of a car doing 60 plus mph and get killed and/or kill someone else. Sooo, there are lots of things to consider, not the least of which is the elderly driver hurting himself or someone else. I don't suppose you could get him to volunteer for a driving test?

[tufftom4]

As you get older you think you can still do everything you did when you were younger. Hey, I've driven fine all my life, never an accident, and I'm still just fine, haven't run into anything yet have I?

That was my father-in-law. We needed to have his license taken away.

Maybe some background there for you to use during your time with him and trying to map out the future.

As mentioned: it's not him that I would worry about, but about the somebody else that also might be involved. Mention that if he does hurt himself he might end up in the hospital, maybe never get out and it would be extremely hard to see his girl friend from there.

 

A lot of you know I was taken out by a 93 year old that should not have been driving she went through red lights on a 4 lane highway and when I was in intensive care a deputy told me they are partial to the elderly OK THAT IS NICE BUT WHEN THEY PUT OTHER PEOPLE IN DANGER GET THEM OFF THE ROAD.

[Sailor]

My grandfather was a real problem. Stubborn and ignorant. He did not understand cars and would buy a new Buick ( always blue) every year because the old one was finished. I watched him bring home a new one once. He bashed all four fenders getting it into a two car garage. He always had a standard shift but did not know how to operate it. He would simply move the shifter around until he got it in a gear, any gear, and that is what he would drive in. He reversed for 20 miles one time because he had happened to hit reverse. He did not know what stop signs were for. Fortunately he lived in a small town and everyone knew him and kept out of his way. He also only drove once a week. It got so bad the cops took him to court to have his license taken away. Granddad was 90 but the judge was 93 and refused to take away his license. We found out later that when he started driving a license was not needed so he had never got one. He was "grandfathered in". Dad finally arranged with the local cops that he would " steal " granddads car and hide it in the locked garage of the local minister. Granddad reported his car stolen and made them fill out the reports. About a month later the ministers son broke into the garage and stole the car. This was in Sidney. The kid got into a police chase in Victoria and was arrested by the Victoria cops. The Sidney cops now had to explain to the Victoria cops that the stolen car had not really been stolen but that now it was stolen and that the last thing they wanted was to have it returned.

 

On a more serious note there was an old guy who lived near us. He turned left directly into oncoming traffic and caused serious accidents three times in about 6 months before the cops finally took away his license.

 

Now I believe they have a requirement for a doctors exam to determine fitness once you reach 80.

[BlueSky]

While driving my Dodge Magnum, I was t-boned by an 82 yr old woman who got confused and stepped on the gas instead of the brakes at a stop sign. If I had been riding my bike, it would have been really serious for me. As it was it caused almost $7k damage to my car.

[uncledj]

Talked to the family today.

Dad's been saying that when he passes he wants his car to go to his girlfriend, so we're going to see if we can talk him into giving it to her now, which would mean she'll take possession of it.

We're going to start gently pressuring him into getting rid of the car, and effectively giving up driving, and see how he responds before deciding what the next step should be.

Thanks for the responses.

I'll let y'all know how it goes. Probably be six weeks before we all get together in one place to talk to him as a family group, but at least all the kids are in agreement and on the same page.

[ragtop69gs]

Talked to the family today.

Dad's been saying that when he passes he wants his car to go to his girlfriend, so we're going to see if we can talk him into giving it to her now, which would mean she'll take possession of it.

We're going to start gently pressuring him into getting rid of the car, and effectively giving up driving, and see how he responds before deciding what the next step should be.

Thanks for the responses.

I'll let y'all know how it goes. Probably be six weeks before we all get together in one place to talk to him as a family group, but at least all the kids are in agreement and on the same page.

 

 

I hope that when he see's how concerned the whole family is about his driving he'll see the light.

 

Best of luck on this one.

[Larry1963]

I am impressed 94 and has a girl friend, you go!!!!!

[cowpuc]

WOW ZZZZZZZZZZZZ WOW WOW UNC - YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAD!! I LOVE THOSE PICS!! PLEASE GIVE HIM A HUGE HUG FOR ME AND A HUGE THANK YOU FOR HIS SERVICE TO GOD AND COUNTRY :usa::usa:= JUST AMAZING:thumbsup::thumbsup:!!

 

Now to your point - lost my Dad a short while ago. My son got married last Monday - we did the wedding here close to our home and held the reception about a 1/2 hour away. I took the opportunity to escort my Mom in her car to the reception which afforded me the chance to administer a driving test to her. I purposely messed up the rear view to see if she would correct it before pulling out - she did. Passing road signs and then asking what that road sign said on it, watching to see if she would maintain speed limits and how she navigated intersections as we made our way to the reception, blinkers, head checking after looking in mirrors,, you know the routine.. When we got out of the car at the reception she looked at me and said she knew what I was doing .. She did great but I told her that there may come a time when she gets closer to 100 that I would hang a "Student Driver" sign on her car. She laughed and then said - thats not a bad idea - told her I was serious.. She then told me how much she would miss being able to drive. I reminded her of how quickly my dad had gone down hill after he voluntarily surrendured his drivers license - IMHO, this should not be taken lightly Unc and I am GLAD that you and your family are not leaving the decision up to the - quote unquote - authorities, to make the decision..

Spend some time alone with your Dad in the car, do a really thourough test of your own concerning the matter - YOU decide whether or not YOU think your Dad is ok to drive and then be honest with him either way. His eyesight would concern me - my Dad had that same eye disease (had to have surgery - spent a long time looking at the floor and having to view people thru a mirror after corrective surgery) but was able to continue driving after getting it worked on. Still wanna make sure he can see well.. Check him for both day and night driving. Lots of elderly people do fine on the road and I dont go with the idea of "just cause he is 94 its time to take away his freedom". Matter of fact - I see LOTS and LOTS of folks who are in the prime of their lives out on the roadways blocking traffic, running red lights, smashing into each other cause driving while talking on the phone is totally acceptable and legal.. You might be surprised and find out that he is one of the best drivers out there!!!

 

LOVE THE PICS - PLEASE DONT FORGET TO GIVE THAT DAD OF YOURS A :bighug:OR ME!!

 

Puc

[uncledj]

Had another pic of Dad on my phone so I thought I'd send it.

This is just a picture that I took with my phone of an old picture that I found while cleaning up Dads' apartment.

it's a pic of him with some German prisoners of war that he was in charge of. Doing different sort of work details.

Dad was able to communicate with them because he spoke Polish, and so did one of the prisoners.....which is why he was given the job.

I remember him saying that he liked these guys. They worked hard and as long as they were fairly treated they were easy to deal with and did what was asked of them.

Anyhoo, here's the pic.

[CaseyJ955]

Great pics!

 

Giving up the wheels is a huge blow to independence so any alternatives he can control might help the conversation. Uber if he uses a phone or straight up taxi, when compared to the cost of registering, insuring and maintaining a vehicle taxi fare is not so bad. Many communities have ride services for seniors as well. In my experience a straight up approach tempered with love is best, and will go better if you have said alternatives sorted out along with the rationale that nobody wants to see him or others hurt. As a geriatric nurse I have come to realize that autonomy is a tough one to give up. Giving up control is tough after decades of diong for ones self and can even be depressing so thats something to watch for also. He sounds like a remarkable guy going so strong at 94 and my guess is hes pretty resilient. Best of luck to both of you.

[uncledj]

Got a call from Dad today.

He said "John.....I've made a decision"....(pregnant pause)...."I'm not going to drive anymore"....Fearing the worst, I asked what happened to make him change his mind, since he's been pretty stubborn about giving up driving.

He said that he'd had two close calls in one day.....having trouble judging distance to the car in front of him,....so it's time to quit.

I re-affirmed that I can come up when he needs me to, and my sister who's a bit closer can do the same. He says he'll have no problem getting groceries and the like, but he'll let me know if he needs me. Wife and I are going to try to step it up a bit and visit more often. It's about a 2 1/2 hour drive for us each way, and we currently go up at least once a month, but I think we're going to try for at least twice a month, with my sister going up whenever she can.

 

Anyhoo, I just wanted to share the news that he quit driving without us or anyone else forcing him to quit, and, thank GOD he didn't get in any accidents.

It's kinda sad, but at the same time a happy resolution to this concern.

Thanks everyone for the input.

[BlueSky]

In that kind of situation, a driverless car would be a great thing! Uber may be the next best.

I know you are relieved that you didn't have to force it on him!

[bongobobny]

Well glad to hear things worked out with no consequences!!

[Venture n Dixie]

Now for phase 2. My mother is 92 and my brother and I got her keys a year ago when she was hospitalized a month with low blood pressure. She had already transitioned to a basement apartment at his house. He just retired so he and wife were able to drive Ms Daisy to Dr, groceries, stores, events and church. Sounds easy until you're locked in to that routine. They insisted I come up every other weekend to give them a break. Although I'm glad they instigated me investing this time in her twilight years, it's a big commitment to drive 2 hours every other weekend and hear the same complaints, forgetfulness and resentment multiple times every visit. So I'm doing this ~50 days a year. Bro and and sister in law 315. If your dad is positive and self motivated he'll be way ahead in the game as long as he can count on his family and friends to be his legs, eyes, cheerleader and friend. When folks start losing there independence depression wants to creep in. I suggest your team make a scheduled calendar so everyone knows who does what when. He'll know he's loved, not alone on an island and you might be surprised how much fun you can have on a double date with geriatrics!! I've learned a lot about myself by hanging around my mom this year.

[Oldodge]

My dad also made the choice on his own, sort of. Several of us kids had become concerned with his driving and my brother who lived nearest him (next door) talked to him an he said "I drive just fine". Cars were my dads life after mom passed. We got into rebuilding antique clunkers and showing them at local shows on weekends. Dad always drove one of the old cars to the local shows. One day he said " I am not going to drive to the shows anymore, people don't understand these things don't stop on a dime, or accelerate quickly and they are always tailgating me". Not long after that he was taking his daily driver to drop it off for inspection and my brother followed him to bring him home. When they got there he told my brother, "see I drive just fine" and my brother told him he had scared him to death twice during that short trip. Dad told me if he was driving that bad and didn't even know it he was giving it up. And he did, he was in his early eighties and mentally sharp, but the eyesight and physical strength/coordination failed him. He passed a couple years later, but never lost his love of the automobile, he quit attending the shows when he couldn't walk around and look at the cars anymore but still loved to go for a ride in one. I don't envy anyone who is faced with the dilemma of how to tell a parent or loved one they can't do something they love anymore. Here is a pic of dad and I working on our favorite old car. I am on the bucket and dad is on the fender. Good times!

[Dragonslayer]

Wife and I went over to Dads' apartment and did some cleaning up and reorganizing for him. He's soon to be 94 and still gets along pretty well, but has difficulty seeing. He has macular degeneration, and can still read if the print's large enough, which I guess is pretty good for his advanced age. His faculties are still mostly there....sometimes he can be forgetful and occasionally gets a little confused, but all in all he's still fully functioning and caring for himself. I live about 3 hrs from him and try to stop by as much as I can, and his closest assistance is his grand daughter who lives only a couple of miles from him.

He has a girlfriend who lives about 45 minutes from him, and most weekends he drives to her house and they'll go to dinner, or church or the casino, and do whatever those crazy kids do.

 

Here's the problem.......

We're... (myself, and the other 3 children who care for him)... questioning whether he should be driving.

I'm not sure that he should be driving, and have heard comments from others that live in his (elderly) apartment complex that his driving isn't so good. I myself have not seen him drive in years now, as every time I'm going somewhere with him he insists I drive.

 

If he were to lose his ability to drive, he'd lose much of his freedom and independence, not to speak of his ability to see his girlfriend.

I'm afraid that it'd break his spirit and it'd be the end of him.

The place where he lives has a van that comes by to take the folks for groceries and some events, so he would have that option, but I don't know how much of a consolation that'd be.

 

I recently brought up the subject, asking how he felt about driving......if he thought he was competent....and he said "Yes"....

 

So, ....that's the question I've been contemplating.....

At what point do you step in and take action?

How would one go about it without creating bad feelings?

 

Pic of Dad and I taken recently, then pic of Dad in WWII....not sure where he was in the pic. lol

I know facing this part of your parent's phase of life is difficult. I'm going through the same thing with my mother. I recently had to face issues of getting her power of attorney and her deciding what she wanted as far as her advanced care directive. Even though she can't function on her own she still holds on to the hope of returning home where she lives by herself and driving again. I don't see it happening and am making plans for her to live with me where can take care of her.

 

Old folks, like I'm sure I will when the time comes, fight hard to maintain their independence. I think that the best thing that you can do is convince them in a loving way it is the best thing for them and the motoring public.

[baylensman]

I was lucky, Dad gave it up when he realized doing the crosswords with a magnifying glass meant he couldn't see so good. He kept his license and the keys to his truck in a box by the front door in case of an emergency, but other than that he didn't touch em again.

 

Living here in FL especially as we moved into a 55+ park last year I see it every day, I wish there was a mandatory retest or at least eye test but the GREY LOBBY is very strong and anything that sound like its limiting seniors will get someone kicked out of office.

 

We actually had a case about three years ago where a man died. His license automatically renewed (YES AUTOMATICALLY NO PICUTE NO TEST NOTHING) his wife returned the license to the state unopened with the word "deceased" across the front in red marker. Several weeks later a letter arrives in a bigger envelope from the state, she open it thinking it part of the final probate. inside is her Deceased Husbands new license with a letter from the state telling it is the citizens right to keep the license regardless of medical condition!!

[bongobobny]

OMG!!!

 

 

Betcha he could still vote too...