Please put some good thoughts out.

[MidlifeVenture]

My daughter has announced that she is pregnant.

I offered to let her stay in the house until she completed her education, of course after we had our blow ups. We would do what we could to help make sure she became a productive part of society. This would allow her to remain on my insurance so she would have quality care. We told her boy could not live here but we expected him and her to take care of there child we have already raised ours,but they could not sleep under our roof together.

We are very upset with the 2 of them I guess she has been in a relationship for a long time but lied to us when asked "The boy is just a friend there is nothing more between us." Currently we do not have any respect for him he has never come to us and stood up for his feelings for my daughter he has gone around to the family but never to us, supposedly because he is afraid of us because we are angry and not civil. I feel in the situation we have a right to be angry others may disagree but it is what it is.If she remained at home this would have given us time to properly get to know him. Currently the only thing I know of him is what is posted on line, there is no mention of Love for my daughter and very chauvinistic and womanizing posts not something that would make any father happy.

They have chosen to do it on there own, both have not completed there educations and are working, but not jobs that will provide health care for them or there child. We have voiced our concerns to Brittany that school, work and a child is going to be almost impossible on her own.

It hurts as parents to let her go this way but she is an adult and needs to follow what she feels is the right path.

Please keep my daughter in your thoughts that no harm comes her way and all her dreams come true.

[etcswjoe]

In our thoughts and prayers.

[CaptainJoe]

In our thoughts and prayers.

[Motiv]

Your head is in the right place. Her guy needs to man up and talk with you folks.

I too have a young adult daughter and can sympathize with you. These young bucks these days act all bad with their buddies but don't have the courage to meet the parents that just reeks of disrespect. Just my 2 cents.

Hang in there neighbor, Hope to ride with some day.

Regards, Paul

[blue mtn. jim]

As been in the parenting business over 40 years I can say a little about love for our children. The problem is not how you raise them as much of the moral compass of our country right now. I have been blessed as far as my daughter goes, but 4 boys is not a game changer. From the oldest ( 43 ) to the late gift of GOD is (24 ). There is no moral. I tell my youngest about how I Love Lucy was married and dressed in pj's and kissed good nite on the cheek and slept in different beds and that tv was shut off at 10pm for the whole viewing area.And EVERY show had a moral ending from Mayberry to Bonanza. This generation is bombarded by sex and everything you can think of, homosexual, what in the world was that!!! We are a by product of our environment and this environment sucks. I was as normal as any pimple face boy with raging hormones that said if you really love me line. Love is going to be the peace maker in your home and chances are you will have a little one running around some day in your house, and he is probably are bum, so she is going to have to count on those who shows her what real love is as you have for all these years. I told my boy's do not shame your name for the girl changes her's when she gets married. I am no better then any one else, oh the mistakes I have made in my life, but I do remember those who loved me and was willing to help me when I needed it the most. She needs you more now then ever before. He will probably fade out of the picture, and she will know who stuck with her through the thick and thin. LOVE what a wonderful thing GOD gave us to give to others. GOD bless, Jim

[Yammer Dan]

In our prayers Scott. Respect is a rare thing in this day and time.

[RockinRobin]

Speaking from experience, I have the son and not the daughter. My son got a girl pregnant at a young age, and I also was not happy. The girls mother said to me "Hope you have a place for her." WOW. That's my grandbaby dang skippy I do. My son did not marry her but she is a big part of our lives and I would not trade one moment of that time. Each child is put on this earth for a reason, you and I may never no why but just love your daughter and support her and your grandbaby.

[MidlifeVenture]

Somehow right now we feel like the failures. I know we taught her well but her willingness to walk out and turn her back on us is killing the family.

Thanks for the thoughts and inspiration.

[RockinRobin]

Somehow right now we feel like the failures. I know we taught her well but her willingness to walk out and turn her back on us is killing the family.

Thanks for the thoughts and inspiration.

 

You and your wife will feel like that but if there is a support group or some type of counseling in your area you may want to check into it. Trust me it helps. Good thoughts sent your way.

[Howard B]

Grandchildren are great, despite the circumstances of their birth. Enjoy your new family member!

[peterg]

Hi Scott.

 

I am the father of a daughter born out of wedlock. Her mother and I were not in a position financially, jobwise, or maturity-wise to take on the raising of a daughter in April 1964, and she was put up for adoption.

But we were in love.

We married in Feb 1966, and have made it past our 48th wedding anniversary.

At first, we felt that we had left the "situation" behind us, but as time went by, we desperately wanted to know that child, that we still loved.

One day in about 1995 (My wife would know the exact date) I got a letter from a Social Services department, and both my wife and I leapt at the chance to meet this child who was and yet wasn't our daughter. We knew it would be difficult, including how to tell our other three girls about their older sister.

We got through it with love. We now have four daughters who all love one another, and as I sit here today, that little girl (who is now a 50 year old woman) is visiting with us and chatting with my wife in another room.

In about 1986, our "middle" daughter announced that she had made the same mistake that her mother and I had made. At that point, our "actual" first daughter was still a secret from the others, and we didn't then disclose the secret, but it made us able to more easily understand the fears of our daughter.

She was as terrified as had we been. She thought her future was destroyed (she was still in her final year of high school) and the outlook was bleak and depressing.

The boy did have the courage to make the "announcement" to us with our daughter, but that relationship didn't last, and we believe that our daughter knew it wouldn't, which made her fears even worse.

Her child (a son) was given for adoption to an agency which kept her in touch with the adoptive parents and the child. (Our wishes were that she "cut the string" sort of as we had, but she was right, we were wrong.) She finished her high school, and two years of college, and she is now a very happily married woman with three other children, and all of them have a loving relationship.

 

If I can offer any advice, it is to make sure that your daughter knows how very much you love her, and want only what is best for her; that she will always be your much loved daughter, and she and your grand-child will always have a home with you.

 

Peter

[MikeWa]

Each person must decide how to handle circumstances like these on their own. I do not think there is any right solution. And for that I sympathies with you. But being right does not always pull a family together. Consider that your daughter and her boy friend have decided to go it alone. Is that what you really want? For me I would consider what I could do to help ease the hardships they will be facing. Without knowing the facts surrounding this. Not knowing if the boyfriend is industrious or a lazy druggie. But assuming some positive attributes. I would have to eat my pride and accept the fact that they may end up with an unconventional family. And look for what I could do to help make it a loving one. I sincerely hope everything works out for all of you.

 

Mike

[MidlifeVenture]

It is the most difficult road I have traveled the relationship is biracial and I am trying to remember this is my grandchild but it is hard To break from my parents beliefs. I offered to try and help the boy get a job at the factory I work for knowing it would be a job that would provide for all, Lincoln Electric is known world wide but he was not willing to even try. He is on the road to a floor manager at Best Buys that dosnt provide benefits.

As hard as it is and no matter how many tears we shed we feel we need to let her try. We have told her over and over we are here when she wants to ask for help since she refused the help we offered. She is my daughter and I will always love her and will be waiting to catch her if she falls.

Thank you all for the ear and thoughtful advice it felt good to open up some about this I've only been to 1 MD and not many remember me but this place still feels like extended family.

Thanks

[aharbi]

You don't give her age. Yes, it does have a bearing on the situation. Is she leaving because she feels she must? Because she betraied you? Your trust in her? Your faith in her! She may feel she is not worthy to stay. She is young, just because she is expecting does not mean she knows what to do, she needs guidance, your guidance and most of all your love and understanding. Your JOB as a parent is to fill her cup of self-esteem so full that lifes challanges can't empty it. She'll always be your daughter - and you always her "daddy".

[aharbi]

My last post was prior to reading your most recent post. You, your family have my prayers for gods good will. Your heart is with your daughter's best out come. She is fortunate.

[MidlifeVenture]

I can't say she's too young she is 21 not to much younger than my wife when we had our first but defiantly less prepared.

[Snaggletooth]

My heart goes out to you my friend. It's a tough situation to be in. I have a daughter a couple years older than yours. I've raised her by myself since she was 8 months old after her mom decided to move on with her own life and not be involved with her own daughters life.

 

Needless to say we've been close all these years. I've done my best to always set a standard for her see as a model for her future life. She's had some tough events in her life without a mother but we got through it.

 

A couple years back she developed a relationship (without my knowedge and hidden from me) with an older guy (10 years older and divorced) and moved in with him. I've since met him and tried to keep a reasonable relationship with him. In the last two years I've had only one conversation with the man and hardly more then that with my own daughter.

 

She belives he's the only man on earth that loves her and turns her back on anyone else that cares. I have to struggle at time to keep an open mind about it. She knows I don't approve of the situation shes in but try to remind her I'm here if he needs my support. (other than my checkbook).

 

What else can you do other than stand back and wait for them to hit the wall? Let her know you care and be there if she needs you. It's painful, but she has to deal with own choices and if shes like mine she's not going to see things through your eyes. At least not yet.

 

Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.

[MidlifeVenture]

Reading up on health care almost sounds with the new laws I can keep her on my health care it would be one worry I can put behind for a while. Got emails into my HR rep. That's if she dosnt deny the help.

[GAWildKat]

My oldest is 14, the youngest is almost 2, none of my kids live with me, not by my choice either. Currently, I'm taking in 2 homeless cousins (not related to each other, both related to me) because family drama from the girl's mother forced them on the streets, literally, both fulltime college students with nowhere to turn. Alaura still needs to grow up a lot, she acts too much like her mother, who lives for drama, Trent is a good boy who is trying to get an education and get ahead in life. So, here's hoping I make a good impact in their lives.

[T.J.]

Hello Scott,

 

Hugs to both you and your wife.

 

Scott your daughter made a decision on her own to do the things she thought would bring happiness into her life. It probably is going to be very tough on her. She will have sleepless nights but that doesn't have to be so for you and your wife. As hard as it is on the two of you don't say to yourself. "If only we had done this or that, things would have been different".

 

"If" doesn't change a life. Don't beat yourself up for a decision she has made. Hang in there Scott and thanks for sharing a hurt in your life with The Venture Family.

[XV1100SE]

Hard to do but step back and consider what you would advise a friend that was in a similar position. Then follow your own advice.

 

Sometimes hard to remember what we were like when we were young but if you were in the same situation as your daughter when you were young, you'd probably think like she does and think you are grown up, an adult... and can manage it. They are a young, inexperienced with life and responsibility....and they may have to learn the hard way.

 

Best you can do is accept the young man into your family. You never know, it could be a relationship that lasts forever. Have them over for dinner, don't tell them what to do, but continue tell them she will always be your daughter, and if they need help in any way, you'll be there for them.

 

Wish you luck and patience.... and btw....congratulations on becoming a grandparent in the near future !

[bill in mn]

Hang in there ,your doing everything right.

[Godlover]

Hey Scott, I remember the day when I got the call that my son's girlfriend was expecting. He was a Jr. in High School - she was a senior. I like you, thought my world had fallen apart. Plus the fact that I was a pastor in a very conservative church. I cried every day for months - especially after the mother handed the baby over for my sister and husband to adopt. Our decision was to offer as much love, grace, and support that we could. We got through it - and my grand-daughter is a beautiful 16 year old - who was brought up in a great home (my sisters) and continues a relationship with her birth father and birth mother although they split up later. You will have a beautiful grandchild who can be a joy in your life for many years. Some of God's greatest blessings come from our deepest trials. Hang in there and we are all praying for you!

[yamagrl]

Occasionally, life picks someone on which to bestow a multitude of rewards and blessings. If the eyes are open wide enough to recognize them for what they are, then you truly are blessed.

 

What I see here is the gift of another generation; perhaps fishing and baseball, perhaps beauty pageants and dress-up. But none the less, a grandchild. Is this your first? Grandpa!

 

I see an opportunity to grow and to expand your horizons. Welcome into your family and world someone who although may be from a different walk of life is equally important to that new addition and to your daughter. Daddy!

 

All the while, you get to share your wisdom and maturity as well as the fruits of your own successes. As we all know...new families have many challenges of their own. Your acceptance and participation will come back to you many times over.

 

If you could pick your own trials and tribulations of parenthood I would think that those would be high on list.

 

Congratulations!

Edited October 26, 2014 by yamagrl