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off topic drinking prob

rbig1

By rbig1
in Watering Hole

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bongobobny

bongobobny

Posted
Posted

Got any friends on the Police force?? Wrecking his life with a DWI is a lot better than wrecking (or ending) his life with an accident while DWI. Sounds to me like a need for some tough love. He obviously needs counselling, he's in a rut...

Evan

Evan

Posted
Posted

Don't have any specific suggestions Rodney but sure wish you good luck in dealing with this. I have heard about a program (here in Canada I think) where people are confronted with the carnage resulting from accidents involving DUI. Apparently that often shocks folks into thinking twice. Maybe there is something like that in your area. Again, good luck to you with your son.

coop

coop

Posted
Posted

That's a tough one... How old is he? Does he live at home? I have one myself. He's a extremely hard worker, very creative, always working till midnight on a side job. Friday rolls around and it's party time.

 

He races enduro's and won't drink if there's an enduro coming up on the weekend....I wish there was an enduro every weekend.

 

I'm very close with him so yelling and ass kicking doesn't fit....besides he's 25 and I'm 58. I find what works best with all my kids is when I tell them that I'm disappointed and that seems to hit home.

 

I've been part of this so I have to take some responsibility in the fact that I always let him drink beer at home....and I don't drink at all.

 

I'd say a good heart to heart first and if that doesn't work maybe setting him up will with a DWI. I dread doing it here because that would mean his job and everything he does and loves. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it like his brother who's 31 did. Just hope both of us don't end up saying I shoulda.

 

Good luck with it.....maybe that talk with an AA sponsor might help as well.

 

Bob

cowpuc

cowpuc

Posted
Posted

Well,,,, here is what worked for my son, Tippy and I.. He grew up in a home where love abounded and all the kids were encouraged to speak their minds, become what ever their bent in life was. We also raised the kids with no booze in our home, neither my wife nor I were even social drinkers..

So, when my son hit 18 and decided he wanted to do the party life and moved on (we allowed no drinking or drunkeness at our home).. Of course, Tippy was devistated.. She knew of my "party years" very well and knew that even though I didnt approve of his behavior I totally got where he was coming from.. I was hurt but certainly not surprised!

I went through it starting at about 14 years old, by the time I hit 18 I was an alchoholic. By the time I was drinking age I lived in the bars.. I got tired of waking up sick and tired at age 25, almost like someone threw a light switch inside me..

Drawing from that experience, I told Tippy that it was a phase our one and only son was going thru.. She really had a hard time believing that..

During that time of my sons life I stayed in constant contact with him, took him out to lunch when he would go with me.. Helped him work on his car many many times.. All the while I was "helping" him with stuff I ALWAYS told him (when he was sober of course) that with todays laws concerning DUI's and out of respect for other peoples lives (and to protect him) that anytime he was out drinking, even one drop, that all he had to do was call me, 24/7, and I would gladly come get him and take him to his home and return him back to his car the next day when he was sober.. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!! I also told him that his drinking buddies were included in this offer..

Many, many, many times he took me up on this.. It got to be a regular thing for me to make trips to the bar in town for me to pick him up at 3 a.m.. Sometimes I would have more than him in my car, most of the time he was alone.. I NEVER scolded/scorned him, he knew how we/I felt so no words were ever spoken about it during these days.. I found that my love for my son (and others lives) was greater than my need to let my frustrations over come me and possibly ruin a chance to save my child..

We just celebrated my boys 29th birthday 6 days ago. Ironically, just 6 days ago we were all standing in our living room laughing about the fact that 4 years ago, almost to the date, he had announced that he was DONE with the partying. My wife just stared at me again and said,,, how on earth did you know that it would happen like that.. To which I replied (like many times before) - it's a guy thing honey.

I cannot tell you how many times my boy has thanked me/us for NEVER giving up on him, for ALWAYS being there for him and for giving him the elbow room he needed to grow up..

Now,, all that being said,, some things that I DID NOT DO during those extremely tough years.. Before he got involved in drinking I would pretty regularly give him a few bucks for the girls,, so to speak.. After he moved out and started drinking, I kept the cash outlay very limited - I wasnt about to pay for his drinking.. He had to maintain some form of work - which was very good for him - to rent an apartment, own a car and party..

Oh yea,, I gotta mention this too..Here is an incident that really really stuck with him and that may have been the straw that broke the camels back..

We all know that along with the party life when a boy enters "manhood" are WOMEN... Being a good looking guy (again,, just like his dad) he had no problem getting attention from the ladies.. During his 24th year of life he decided he wanted to sell everything he owned and follow a young lady out to Idaho.. This was VERY hard on both Tippy and I.. BUT,, I told him I understood and that to please always remember that I was there for him.. We cried when we dropped him off at O'Hare and watched his tall, slanky body step off into the unknown..

About 2 months after he left we got a phone call, my son asking to speak to his dad.. Said he was broke,, the girl wasnt what he thought and wondered if I could help him get home.. I said yep, you bet son,, I cant afford to fly you (I could have but wanted some time with him) but I will drive out and get you..

I stuck the tent and sleeping bags in the car the next morning and headed west!!

I will never forget the smile on his face when I picked him up standing on a street corner in Twin Falls.. On the way home I didnt lecture, just let him talk.. We camped for a few days out west like we used to do on our bike trips..

He went back to his apartment, went back to the job he left, the drinking friends accepted him right back in and he tried to pretend all was back to normal BUT I could see in him that he had changed..

Took about a year after that for the light switch to click...

 

In conclusion I will say this,, PARENTING IS NOT AN EASY TASK but with love, understanding and LOTS of help from the Good Lord,, it is doable and VERY rewarding!!

 

Hope this somehow helps Rbig1!!

Puc

Flyinfool

Flyinfool

Posted
Posted

I sure wish I could help you out.

My one experience with an alcoholic did not end well.

My first wife passed after her 3rd alcohol induced heart attack. I tried to give her space and support, but the light bulb never went on for her.

 

I pray that you have much better results.

Trader

Trader

Posted
Posted

Puc's son called him rather than Drink and drive.

 

That's not the case with rbig1's son

 

If he's DUI I don't think anyone can sit back and wait for him to straighten out. If he hurts or kills someone, and you could have prevented it, you would be just as blood guilty as him.

 

Hard as it may be....I think he HAS to be taken off the streets.

Wade 2000

Wade 2000

Posted
Posted

I agree with Puc that a Man to Man talk is in order. If this doesn't get results, Bongobobny and Trader have the right idea in that lives are being put in danger, that of your son and innocent motorists. It is a very tough call but if you knew he was going to plant a bomb or go on a shooting spree how would you react? A two ton vehicle can be just as devastating a weapon especially in an impaired drivers hands.

Love your son but protect the innocent.

CaptainJoe

CaptainJoe

Posted
Posted

I think talking to your son and offering to come and get him is the right thing to do for starters.

 

If he doesn't make plans to stay(motel) or quit driving drunk then it time to take it to a new level.

 

All kids think nothing bad will happen to them.

 

Most kids drink. 18-28 age group.

 

Most kids that drink, drink and drive occasionally. Anyone that doesn't believe that, is very naive.

 

To turn you son in, is going to cost him/you about 10K MIMIMUM and that is only if there isn't an accident or fatalitie(s).

He could also loose his job and find it quite hard to find another as DWI a felony.

 

Turning him in would be my last choice.

 

If... you could find a police officer to talk to him, and really let it sink into him what he risks it could be pivotal moment in his life...

SilvrT

SilvrT

Posted
Posted

You can lead a horse to water.......

 

As puc says.... be there for them, support and love them, be a role model, try and educate them to the best of your abilities .... but generally speaking, kids will learn their own lessons. Turn them over to the law? That's a damn hard thing to do.

 

My son has had more than his share of drinking, partying, and drug use. At 45 he's learned a few lesson's the hard way (I won't go into details but at least nobody died) and is finally taking those lessons seriously and straightening his life out. He's quit the drugs a few years ago, doesn't drive when drinking, has seriously reduced his consumption to weekends only, and is into a very healthy eating and exercise regime.

 

Somewhat like me, I knew he would "grow out of it" in his 40's. I am so glad nothing serious happened along the way.

bj66

bj66

Posted
Posted

I have a 21 year old and an 18 year old right now. Both of my boys seem to be a lot more cautious than their friends. My oldest does drink but doesnt drive. If he drives his friends around he doesnt drink. We will see how it goes with the younger one.

 

My kids have seen what accidents can cost you. They lost their grandpa about 10 years ago in an accident. So I have had "The Talk" with both of them, and told them to just remember all the ball games, birthdays, graduations etc. that they never got to spend with their grandpa. Not only that, there is another family in this world that is missing their grandma. So when they think about getting behind the wheel, just remember how much they got shortchanged in life already, and is it worth it to do it again to somebody else's family? I also said, that their mother and I cant take another late night phone call. And lastly I tell them that I quit drinking myself 2 weeks after that day. I just couldnt put my wife through that again.

 

Feel free to pass this on to the young man who still drives. I used to be one of those guys too. But man, when it hits your family, you dont even want to know how bad it feels. You never got a chance to say goodbye......

KICKSHOT

KICKSHOT

Posted
Posted

Wow Puc! I always thought that it would be fun to ride with you because of your posts but now I am sure of it. I'm sure your son is proud of you. As for the drinking problem thing I am not sure I can weigh in on it. I was pretty wild growing up. Had no real direction in life until the day my son was born. Then I knew why god had spared me the times he had. I still enjoy drinking beer. I never had a problem with my son. Drinking has never been his thing. He has made me nothing but proud of the man and father he has become.

cowpuc

cowpuc

Posted
Posted
Wow Puc! I always thought that it would be fun to ride with you because of your posts but now I am sure of it. I'm sure your son is proud of you. As for the drinking problem thing I am not sure I can weigh in on it. I was pretty wild growing up. Had no real direction in life until the day my son was born. Then I knew why god had spared me the times he had. I still enjoy drinking beer. I never had a problem with my son. Drinking has never been his thing. He has made me nothing but proud of the man and father he has become.

 

Well now KICKSHOT,, you might change your tune after you hear the rest of the story about me and drinkin...

After my son went thru all he did,, I entered this thing called "midlife crisis" .. After a SOLID 34 years of sobriety (both drinkin and smokin) and 32 years of marriage I hit this crazy wall - like a return to my teen years!!

I had always rode hard, played hard, LOVED beer and VODKA when I was younger and during this "Midlife Crisis" stuff I started drinking and smoking again .. My wife, Tippy, spent many many nights in tears, got hooked up with a couple of Midlife Crisis groups, stood by me for 2 years thru that whole mess.. The tables turned and my SON started counseling ME about MY drinking and was ALWAYS here for his mom!!

 

One day I came home, divorce papers (in a drunken stupor I asked for it - she really didnt want it) were on the table and I got booted.. These were VERY hard times!!!

Few days later, after I had sobered up a little (I was drinking a LOT of Vodka at the time AND beer like it was water), I stared at the papers and thought - this is to big of a price to pay for my love for alcohol,, went home, knocked on the door, told her I wanted to make our marriage work and wanted to come home.. She had been praying for 2 years for that day, had her ducks in a row and was prepared to negotiate my return - did a bang up job too - because..

A HUGE part of our agreement was my agreeing to NO DRINKING at anytime (she learned the hard way that once I get started I cant stop,, I LOVE TO PARTY) - not even socially.. One drink and my marriage is over..

It has been 2 years and 1 month now of starting my second round of sobriety. Been hard cause I still ride hard, work hard, play hard and love good times, but its working!! I still love parties and hanging with bikers,, I just have to say no when those beer cans pop (makes my mouth water just typing it) at the gatherings we go to BUT, its easy when I think about what just one drink is gonna cost me this time, I love her (and my family) more than the bottle!!

I am currently working on quitting smoking again, am down to 2 cigars a day.. Thats just as hard cause I LOVE cigars too!!

All that said, I humbly say,, my wife - Tippy, is the real hero in all this,, not me... I am just a beat up ol bike loving Cowpuc that she fell in love with...

Puc

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