Thank you for a GREAT year in 2012

[deepforkriver]

As we soon progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educa-tional e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

 

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every enve-lope that needs sealing.

 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the micro-wave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be poked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

 

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

 

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my b.u.t.t.

 

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

 

Oh, and by the way...

 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has dis-covered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GREAT 2013.

[Eck]

Well that sure started my day off .,.....no chance of me being right all year now..

Humm, was I ever right,? Im not sure. Hold on let me go ask myself... Well that settles that.. I was told "Nope" Im not right...so I guess I wasnt right last year either... wonder when it all happened..

[Flyinfool]

Since water splashes 6 feet out of the toilet does that make the toilet as dangerous to a cell phone as doing laundry????

 

With all that can happen to me, I better crawl back under my rock.......

[etcswjoe]

I stopped using a mouse I heard they spread diseases.

[Jayceesfolly]

I use the touch pad, it's hard to hang on to that skinny little tail on the mouse.

[kevin-vic-b.c.]

just to clarify... it is a 6 ft splash radius from men standing, this does not account for poor aim or drowsiness.

 

just saying............ the things we had to learn in plumbing 101 you know.