Some bar jokes - how many can we manage ?

[greg_in_london]

1) So this horse walks into the bar.

The barman looks at him and says, "Why the long face ?"

 

2) So this sandwich walks into the bar.

The barman looks at him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

 

3) So this termite walks into the bar.

He looks around and asks "Is the bar tender here ?"

 

4) So this bear walks into the bar.

The bear says, "I'd like a pint of Hofmeister ...

 

 

 

 

and ..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a packet of peanuts please."

 

The barman says, "Fine, no problem, but why the big paws ?"

 

[Trader]

A piece of string goes into a bar but the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve string"

 

So the string goes outside, gets all tangled up and ruffles up his hair and goes back into the bar.

 

The bartender says "Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out"?

 

The string says "No, I'm afraid not!"

 

 

 

for those who might not get it...."No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

That better?

[SilvrT]

A Harley rider goes into the bar....

 

Then he rides a block down the street and goes into another bar ....

 

Then he rides a mile away and goes into another bar ....

 

(and the story repeats itself)

[icebrrg3rd]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

 

-Andrew

[tomfromhull]

Alright here goes...

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street. One guy has a Chihuahua and the other guy has a German Shepherd. The guy with the shepherd says " I'm thirsty. Let's go in that bar over there for a beer." The guy with the chihuahua says" We can't go in there with dogs!" The guy with the shepherd says" It's OK. We'll tell them they're seeing eye dogs. Watch." So he puts sunglasses on, walks over to go in and the Doorman says " You can't come in here with a dog." The guy says "He's a seeing eye dog." The doorman says " Oh, OK." The guy with the chihuahua says " Cool!" He puts on sunglasses, walks over to go into the bar and the doorman says " Hey, you can't come in here with a dog." The guy says " He's a seeing eye dog." The doorman says "A seeing eye dog? That's a chihuahua!" The guy says " WHAT? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA??"

[greg_in_london]

9) So, an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

 

The barman says, "Is this a joke ?"

[Stache]

10) Two Irish guys walked out of a bar...

 

No, wait, really, it could happen....

Edited April 19, 2012 by Stache
forgot to number....

[greg_in_london]

Tut tut tut....

 

I couldn't possibly comment.

 

Anyway, #11..

 

So this bear walks into the bar.

The bear says, "I'd like a pint of Hofmeister ...

 

 

 

 

and ..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a packet of peanuts please."

 

The barman says, "Fine, no problem, but why the big paws ?"

 

**************************************************

 

12)A duck walks into a bar and says "got any sandwiches?"

 

The barman says "No"

 

So the duck asks again "have you got any sandwiches?"

 

The barman says " no, we don't serve food"

 

The duck asks "have you got any sandwiches"

 

The barman is getting pissed off and says "look, if you ask for a sandwich again I'll nail your bill to the bar"

 

The duck asks "have you got any nails?"

 

The barman says "no"

 

The duck asks "have you got any sandwiches?"

 

************************************************

 

13) So this skeleton walks into a bar.

The skeleton says, "Can I have a pint of Guiness.......

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

and a mop, please." http://images.proboards.com/grin.gif

[SilvrT]

A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The guy says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"

 

(think Maritime Canada dialect)

[SilvrT]

I walk into a bar where everyone is telling groaner bar jokes. Since I can't remember any, I look them up on Google .....

 

http://www.schiesshouse.com/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_more.htm

 

[playboy]

I walk into a bar where everyone is telling groaner bar jokes. Since I can't remember any, I look them up on Google .....

 

http://www.schiesshouse.com/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_more.htm

 

 

 

Maybe you should stick to the Ice Cream parlor then.

[Sailor]

Did you her the one about the two nuns, the priest, the midget and the goat all sitting in the bar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neither did I.

[SilvrT]

Maybe you should stick to the Ice Cream parlor then.

 

Now that's the worst "bar" joke I've ever heard..!! (ice cream "bar")

[greg_in_london]

Bah - well Silva messed up that count good and proper didn't he....

 

#32)

 

So this bear walks into a bar.

"I'd like a pint of IPA please," he say.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't sell beer to bears in bars."

Well this confused the bear, so he thought a moment, not quite sure what he had heard and he tried again; "I'd like a pint of Hofmeister then, please," he said.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't sell beer to bears in bars."

Well, this did begin to annoy the bear, because, after all, he was thirsty, so he asked again, "I'd like a pint of Guiness then please, if it's not too much trouble."

The barman still remained adamant, however. "I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't sell beer to bears in bars."

Well now the bear was annoyed and he looked the barman straight in the eye, which surely would have unsettled anybody. "If you don't give me a drink right now, I'll climb over the bar and rip your head off."

Now the barman whitened slightly, but stared that bear right in the eye. "I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we still don't sell beer to bears in bars."

Now bear was not going to be so easily defeated. "Well," he began, looking around the bar. He saw a lady sitting at the other end of the bar by herself on a stool. "If you don't care about yourself, if you won't serve I'll go up that end of the bar and eat your only other customer."

sniffed the barman, "As if I care, we don't sell beer to bears in bars."

Well the bear was steaming now and he stomped to the other end of the bar where the lady had not even noticed, engrossed as she was in doing her lipstick in the bottom of an upturned beer glass.

The bear knocked her from the stool with a single swipe. As she lay on the floor, too stunned even to scream, in one movement the bear reached down and wrenched her leg free of her body and swallowed it whole. The the bear tote off the other leg and it went down the same way. In short order the whole of the poor unfortunate woman was consumed by the angry bear leaving only a bloody stain on the floor to mark where she had fallen.

The bear, now somewhat fuller, but anger unassuaged again approached the barman, who was visibly shaken by what he had seen.

"Now," said the bear, "If you won't give me a beer you'll go the same way."

Somehow, the barman managed to return the glare of the angry bear, although there was admittedly something of a tremor in his voice now, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve beer to bears on drugs."

Confusion now fought with annoyance as the bear spluttered, "What do you mean bears on drugs http://images.proboards.com/huh.gif"

"Well," said the barman, "That was the bar-bitc*-u-ate."

[SilvrT]

"Well," said the barman, "That was the bar-bitc*-u-ate."

 

:Laugh:

[greg_in_london]

#33) One for the English speaking audience:

 

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre so the barman gave her one.

[SilvrT]

A soap walked into the bar and got all lathered up ...

[Galapagos]

A dog walks into a saloon. The barkeep asks what will it be and sees a bandage on the dogs front leg.

The dog says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

[Galapagos]

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

[chabicheka]

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. "This dog is the smartest dog in the world." he says to the bartender. "He can answer any question."

"Oh yeah?" says the bartender. "Prove it!"

The man turns to his dog, and asks, "What is over our head? " "Roof!"

"How does bark feel?" "Ruff!"

"Who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?" "Ruth!"

The bartender, growing tired of the show, throws the man and his dog out of the bar.

The dog then turned to the man and asked,

"Should I have said Joe Dimaggio?"

[greg_in_london]

Well years ago I used to play at the Swan (a pub) in Stockwell. There used to be this really big session on the stage and in the middle I used to get the pipes out and have a few tunes while everyone else went for a pint.

One night I dropped in there to meet someone and while I was waiting for them I sat at the bar and had a pint. The place was almost completely empty and the east European barmaid really didn't seem very talkative, so I was quite surprised when someone spoke to me and told me that my pipes had sounded really good the previous Tuesday. I looked round, but couldn't see anyone, even looked behind the bar where the PA setup was kept.

'That's strange,' I thought, but I went on with my pint and waiting for my mate all the same. A few moments later I was told again, 'Your drones were spot on, you know.' Now this was confusing me, much as I like people telling me that my piping is good, I do like to be able to see the person who is doing the telling, so I asked the barmaid if she had said anything, but she said she had not.

I was just sitting down again when the voice spoke again: 'Your embellishments were crackling this week.'

So I said to the barmaid straight away, 'Surely if you didn't say that, you heard what was said.'

The barmaid looked at me and suddenly recognised me. 'You're that bagpiper who plays on Tuesdays aren't you ?' I said that I was. She asked, 'Did this voice tell you that your playing was really good ?' I said that it did.

'Aah,' she said, 'That'll be the peanuts, then,' pointing to the free snacks on the bar.

'I don't understand,' quoth I, 'What on earth do you mean ?'

She repeated, slowly, 'That'll be the peanuts, they're complimentary, you see.'