A good ground wire imporves performance....

[DragonRider]

Word of warning, before reading this, if your drinking anything, put it down before starting, if you don't you will be wearing it instead. I cant take responsibility for this, it was sent to me by Ken Deret aka 1 Up, he sends me the funniest stuff.

 

 

 

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

 

If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... This is funny... And true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

 

 

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

 

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. Into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. I notice that the hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

 

Time stood still. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

 

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My eyes crossed and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

 

It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower, were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM you just crap your pants.

 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had chargers made by Sears or whoever that were maybe 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

 

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. Long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

 

'Holy ****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

 

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

 

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was awfully sunburned.

 

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing around had somehow let go of the wire.

 

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

 

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

 

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

 

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do smell as bad as you might think.

 

4 - My left eye will not open.

 

5 - My right eye will not close.

 

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

 

7 - My nuts and pecker have drawn up into my body as if they were hiding, out of fear.

 

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

 

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

[Flyinfool]

I know that very electric fencer that he is talking about.

My uncle has that very one on his farm to try to keep the cows in.

 

While visiting him once my uncle was working out in the barn and saw that we were heading toward the fence so he turned the fence off. My buddy checked the fence to be sure it was off and after being sure it was off went to step over the fence wire. It was at that exact moment that my uncle turned it back on.......

Almost as funny as when the dog lifted a leg and peed on the wire.........

[Yammer Dan]

I learned at a very early age. DO NOT PEE ON THE FENCE!!!!

[mbrood]

My grandfather had me cutting down the pasture grass on his land using his medium sized garden tractor. The pasture was pretty good size and it was taking me a while. Suddenly I felt that urge to get rid of some extra fluid my body didn't need any more.

 

Figuring I was out in the pasture, I just put the tractor in neutral, stepped off and started to make a wet spot on the grass. About that time I noticed my sister heading out my way with some water refreshment.

 

Not wanting to be too obvious, I turned around so it 'might' look like I was working on the tractor... except I forgot the magneto location... which I was immediately reminded of. Suddenly I was laying on my back, trying to get some breath, wondering why the clouds were spinning and off a little way I can hear hysterical laughter... not a lot made sense for a while.

 

I never got that glass of water but not a word about anything was said, so I thought everything was covered. Then a couple weeks later grandpa said the back pasture needed cut. Just as I was pulling on my work boots my sister giggled and said, "Wouldn't it probably be good to go the bathroom first...?"

[CaptainJoe]

When I was a boy my friends would go to stonebridge and go swimming. My mom arrived in the voltswagon bug to collect me, but upon seeing her arrive we all jumped over the fence and hid...

My little tattle tale brother screamed "I see you" , I SEE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! ...

 

seems he had grabbed ahold of that electric fence...

 

 

Another time me and the boys were together and I noticed the farmer had a little red light on his fence charger that would go on and off, so I suggested a little manup game.

You guessed it, I grabbed the wire when the light was off...LOL:buttkick:

Edited January 13, 2012 by CaptainJoe

[Mike G in SC]

We visited the family farm in Wheaton, MO last when I was about 10. (circa 1960)

Yeah, I got to watch my next older brother (my tormentor in those days) grab the electric fence.

I thought it was hilarious, laughed my butt off,,,, he didn't. I think he too peed his pants.

But, hehe, he also could not find the strength to get me back. I savored that one.

 

Mike G

[Squidley]

Thanks Lewis...I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes

[bill in mn]

I'll tell you my electric fence story , of course it's on the cousins farm in Iowa back in the 60's . Out in the apple orchard they have a E fence to keep the 3 horses away from the apple trees and I'm playing with the cousins new slinky , got this thing wrapped around my arm and I'm trying to see how far I can get this to stretch twirling it around in a circle. Then it lands on the fence and gives me a good jolt and I do the minnow dance and can not figure what just happened but it happened again . I ran but the new spring steel slinky can stretch for what seems like miles and giving me a jolt every 3 seconds as I run screaming and crying . That was 50 plus years ago and every time I see my aunt she says remember when , Oh I do .