The two most common ways of changing oil womens way and mans way

[saddlebum]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

 

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

 

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

 

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

 

 

 

 

Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

 

 

 

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

 

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.

 

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

 

3. Open a beer and drink it.

 

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

 

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

 

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

 

7. Place drain pan under engine.

 

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

 

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

 

10. Unscrew drain plug.

 

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

 

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

 

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

 

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

 

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

 

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

 

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

 

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

 

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

 

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

 

21. Drink beer.

 

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

 

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

 

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

 

25. Begin cussing fit.

 

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

 

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

 

28. Beer.

 

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

 

30. Beer.

 

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

 

32. Beer.

 

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

 

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

 

35. Beer.

 

36. Test drive truck.

 

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

 

38. truck gets impounded.

 

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

 

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

 

 

 

 

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

 

But you know the job was done right!

Edited May 8, 2011 by saddlebum

[Snaggletooth]

I started to laugh........but dang the truth hurts.

[KarlS]

Yep: Learned long time ago that scanning debit card and drinking coffee was the best way to change oil.

 

[twigg]

What?

 

You mean there is a better way to remove an oil filter?

 

Did you tell anyone?

[oldgoat]

verry good but i did most of this on a sunday so i stripped out the oil drain plug on the pan. so no parts store to get an oversize one. wife at the time is pregnant and there by goes into labor. no way to get her to the hospital as the car is sitting on jack stands. i started to lose my hearing from the screaming going on. called my mother-inlaw who never liked me anyways to come take us to the hospitial . stay 14 hours false labor so go home wait untill monday hitch a ride to get oversize drain plug. put in drain plug fill up with oil. take car off jack stands only to find out the 2 front tires are flat? neighbor has my air compressor and he,s not home. but garage is open so i go in and get my compressor half hour latter a cop comes and charges me with tresspassing. seems the neighbors kid was home and i scared her. got that all taken care of. only to find out the compressor cord has been cut? ok splice a new cord on the compressor plug in to wall socket blow all the fuses to the house? wife starts screaming again shes realy in labor this time. i called the mother-inlaw again tould her to take the wife and not me this time. called a friend and went fishing.

so lets see oil change cost around $70

divorce lawyer about $2000

house payments and child support for 18 years about 100 grand

loss of my corvette and bass boat. yep i should have went to jiffy lube:whistling:

[Yammer Dan]

Got lifetime oil changes with my G6 for $9.98 each. They use GM oil. Don't really know anything about it but I can't buy any oil for that.

[greg_in_london]

I just ordered one of those syphon pump oil extractors for the car so I can just drop a hose down the dipstick hole, draw the oil out and top it up.

 

I normally just drain it out the bottom, but it has plastic covers underneath and I'd have to start taking them off randomly and I'd been putting it off. This way I won't even get my hands dirty and I can choose the oil that I use.