This is just plain crappy.

[Flyinfool]

The poo list

 

(edited for I hope a PG rating)

 

*** Warning ***

 

This page contains a butt-load of scatological humor. If you don't think feces can be funny stop reading here. Now that you're bursting with curiosity read on...

 

 

POO LIST !!!

 

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THE GHOST POO - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

 

THE CLEAN POO - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

 

THE WET POO - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

 

THE SECOND WAVE POO - This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

 

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO - Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

 

THE CORN POO - No explanation necessary.

 

THE LINCOLN LOG POO - The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO - The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

 

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO - The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

 

THE WET CHEEKS POO - Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

 

THE LIQUID POO - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

 

THE MEXICAN FOOD POO A class all its own.

 

THE CROWD PLEASER - This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

 

THE MOOD ENHANCER - This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

 

THE RITUAL - This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

 

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO - A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

 

THE AFTERSHOCK POO - This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

 

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO - This is any poo created in the presence of another person.

 

THE GROANER - A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

 

THE FLOATER - Characterized by its float-ability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.

 

THE RANGER - A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

 

THE PHANTOM POO - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

 

THE PEEK-A-BOO POO Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

 

THE BOMBSHELL A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooting facilities.

 

THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

 

THE OLYMPIC POO - This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poo.

 

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO - This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

 

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.

 

PREMEDITATED POO - Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

 

POOZOPHERENIA - Fear of pooing - can be fatal!

 

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO - Also known as a "Still Going" poo.

 

THE POWER DUMP POO - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

 

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO - This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log poo.)

 

THE SPINAL TAP POO - The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

 

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY A$$HOLE" POO - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwords.

 

THE PORRIDGE POO - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

 

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

 

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

 

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

 

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POO - Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

 

The "TURBO-CHARGER" POO - You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal poo. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.

 

THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS POO - You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl. The

 

THE "PICASSO" POO - the artwork left in the bowl after the flush. THE

 

THE "DEGOBAH BOG" POO - When the poo isn't liquid but makes the water in the toilet murky and bog-like. Often you get the feeling there's a droid-eating monster lurking in there, too.

 

-----------------------------end of poo-------------------------------------

[w.steve wells]

thats just more info then we needed ,but funny:dancefool:

[SilvrT]

I once had a similar printed copy with PICTURES!

 

 

eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[Flyinfool]

I once had a similar printed copy with PICTURES!

 

 

eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

 

Now that would be TMI.

[Dano]

Got nothing to do today, eh Jeff?!

[Aussie Annie]

Yep, must be a slow day:doh:

 

But I still laughed till tears ran down my face

[fishrepair]

You forgot the, I NEVER SAW IT THAT COLOR BEFORE POO. That's When it comes out black and you think that someone is playing a joke on you, and has dumped a bottle of black shoe polish in the toilet before you sat down.

[Roadcat]

'I never saw it that color poo'...also known as the Guiness poo, known to afflict heavy Guiness drinkers, but quite disrupting upon the first encounter.

[etcswjoe]

Sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

[Bubber]

No poo pooing this editorial extraviganza of excrement.

[Merlin]

Just a short addendum to this, and possibly some advice for those who need to poop at work. Here is some terminology you should be familiar with.

 

Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

 

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE

A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include hair, pee stains and poop streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET

A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. WATERMELON

A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.