What do I tell my son??

[waterbug]

My son and daughter live with there mom and over last summer i tried to take her to court and get them. The judge decided that it was better for them to stay there and it ok that her and her boy friend fight all the time around the kids and the police have been called and they smoke like freight trains around them. My sone text me tonight and wanted to know if there is a god why does he hate him so much and make him stay there. How do you answer that?? i cant argue with it and I dont lie to him.

[ragtop69gs]

The truth is always good. Explain how you tried to remove them from a situation you saw as unhealthy, but the court dis-agreed. At least they will know you cared enough to try.

You don't say what their ages are. Is it possible they could petition the court asking for the change?

[Capt-D]

Like ragtop said, be honest with your kids, stay in contact and let them know you are trying, just don't give up on them, and keep a good head on your shoulders.

[Aussie Annie]

Yep, agree with what's been written. And it ain't GOD who's the problem... it's the court system [humans]

 

How old are they? I would try and see if THEY have a voice. Keep all messages and emails from them to show.

[mbrood]

Most courts hold for the women and then for a "couple", regardless.

 

But that's immaterial. Let the kids know you want them to be happy and will always be "there for them" because they are your blood and your brood and YOU can't and would never forget it and that you will always be listening and understanding but they have to give effort to do the same.

 

It ain't neat, but you need to put yourself and them in assurance with the judge's decision "of the moment" and support the decision and opt that things can change when they reach "decision" age or if a new orders come down, but don't push "options" if they are below the age of "decision in court".

 

Your desires come absolutely secondary to your need to make them feel comforted within the confines of the law and your love and what they have placed upon them. Work with it and with them to make them see that you are always there. That's the important point.

 

Behind the scenes you can do a lot but it's not for them to see or feel as an enticement.

 

The MOST important point is to let them know you aren't leaving them, you just can't be AS near, but you will always BE THERE

 

But that's just me....

[Eck]

Well my friend, first off, I am not a counselor, so please keep that in mind as you read my "opinion" as I try to answer your question..

 

With out my kids knowledge, I would call and set up an appointment with the school counselor about my children.

Using "voice control", I would let the counselor know up front that my kids are unaware of my being there, and explain what my child has asked or said to me and what I have done (in my own eyes), as being in their best interest and include what the court has said.

I would be telling the truth in all of it.

 

I would then request the counselor to please take a personal interest in my child/ children and to please question my kids at his/ her convenience for a better understanding and evaluation.I would ensure I established a day/ date time, that I could drop back by for a follow up meeting on the counselors evaluation.

 

I would also ask the counselor for his/her advice on my next course of action(s) towards a better environment for my children.

 

All in all, I am not certain if anyone on this forum is actually trained in such matters as your requesting so I would recommend that you be very careful on what you read..

 

I would also recommend you pursue a counselor for yourself and one for your children.

You should never feel embarrassed to look for help with such matters that are above and beyond your knowledge. Those people are schooled / training where I am not.

 

I wish your children the best, and you the patients and wisdom to provide it.

 

You might also want to stop or call your local police department and ask for suggestions, advice or assistance in what you should do. They know many counselors.

 

My last suggestion. Call the courthouse and ask to set up an appointment to speak with a judge in his chambers.

They will do that..ask me how I know...

or you can contact the professor who teaches law at your local college and ask their advice..

 

 

Eck

 

 

[friesman]

I am not a consellor either, but after being divorced twice a couple times there are a couple of things that I have always tried to do, and it was tough at times.

One was Never Ever speak badly of their mother in front of the kids, they are half their mother and they still love her no matter what is said or done from your side of the picture, speaking badly of her stresses the kids and puts them into the middle of a battle and they feel powerless about it. Try to take the high road, and its is VERY difficult, but it will pay off in time as the kids will respect you more later.

Always tell the truth to the kids and be upfront with them, but being tactful here and knowing your timing is good. Be supportive of them and repeat to them constantly that you are there for them whenever they need you and for them to call anytime. But kids will be kids and probably wont call very you often, just remember that its up to you as a parent to call them often and spend time with them whenever you have time, to show that they are important to you.

 

Just remember that things take time to work out properly, and just make it your job one to be the best dad you can be, given the circumstances.

 

Brian

Edited January 10, 2011 by friesman

[Condor]

Here in Sacramento we had a father and aquaintence, Manfred Kallweit, who sued his ex-wife to not smoke around his childern in her home. Attached is a copy of a petition in Mass. about childern exposed to smoking in the home. It's from this sight. http://ash.org/fostercarepetition.html He certainly stired up a bowl of worms.... There's lot's of info on the web about it. It may give you an opening.

 

©. CHILDREN AND TOBACCO SMOKE AT HOME: In at least fifteen states and several foreign countries, courts have held that, if parents subject children to tobacco smoke, it can be grounds for denial or even revocation of custody. 18 While most such legal proceedings have been brought by the nonsmoking parent, in several cases complaints were filed by relatives or outsiders such as physicians, 19 and willful exposure of children to tobacco smoke is increasingly being characterized as child abuse, child neglect, and/or reckless endangerment. 20 These cases show that judges regard the dangers of exposing children to tobacco smoke as serious enough to warrant termination of custody and visitation rights. It is only a matter of time before judges exhibit the same concern for foster children, 21 where the ultimate responsibility and blame for such exposure lies as much with the welfare agency and its personnel as with the foster parents, and where the agency is generally held to an even higher legal standard of care than natural parents.

In summary, at least three rapidly growing areas of legal liability – constitutional and common law torts for knowingly subjecting prisoners to tobacco smoke pollution, damage actions under a variety of legal theories for adults subjected to tobacco smoke pollution in workplaces and public areas, and court orders protecting children from tobacco smoke pollution in custody, child abuse, and related situations – all strongly suggest similar results should a law suit be brought against the agency or agency officials on behalf of one of more foster children who suffer from asthmatic attacks, ear aches, or other medical problems after being placed in a foster home where authorities knew or should have known that smoking was taking place. In addition, the thousands of laws prohibiting smoking in an ever growing number of places [see II below] show a growing public recognition – of which courts may, of course, take judicial notice – of the clear and present dangers of tobacco smoke pollution, and the public necessity and reasonableness of prohibiting smoking, even though such restrictions may be costly and disruptive – as in bars and restaurants.

[Iowa Guy]

I am a counselor and you have gotten some excellent advice so far on this thread. I would recommend that you find a counselor or psychologist for yourself and your kids. School counselors are okay for a school setting but typically don't have the clinical skills to effectively deal with this type of situation. With your counselors advice tell mom that you are concerned for the kids and invite her to be part of counseling as well. Have patience. Good Luck

 

Tim Lantz

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

[pakidaho]

My son and daughter live with there mom and over last summer i tried to take her to court and get them. The judge decided that it was better for them to stay there and it ok that her and her boy friend fight all the time around the kids and the police have been called and they smoke like freight trains around them. My sone text me tonight and wanted to know if there is a god why does he hate him so much and make him stay there. How do you answer that?? i cant argue with it and I dont lie to him.

 

 

 

As many folks of this forum have stated, there is no easy/pat answer for this. Having been through something similar as well as being a counselor and having a degree in Legal Studies, there are a few things I would like to point out.

I agree with Condor...push your attorney to look at the issue of smoking. If the mother and boyfriend are smoking in the house and in the car, see if there are any statutes or case law in your state that would at least put a stop to this behavior. Age of the children has a lot to do with this next pointer. Ask them to write letters to the judge stating what they want. Give them a stamp and an envelope, address that envelope, but DON"T read the letter...have them mail it on their own.

Go to the school, contact the principal and the teachers. Let them know you intend to be an involved parent, not just a visitor, in your children's lives. Keep track and document all incidents of concern, as well as your response to those incidents. Never make your child feel as if they need your permission to love the other parent. Badmouthing will hurt you in the end, so try to support the mother's rules as best you can. Do not ask children to deal with adult circumstances. Depending on their ages, they may have a legal say in where they go. You may also want to arrange for a therapist for them, but allow the therapist to meet with the kids without your influence. This can be scary, but it can equate to a soft place to land without fear of retribution, punishment, or abandonment for the kids. I know my children say that was one of the best things I could have done for them during the difficult times they experienced.

Last but not least, keep your integrity. Answer your son with an honest "I don't know why these bad things happen, but please believe I love you." Comfort him and reassure him you will continue to fight for his right to be in a nurturing, loving, healthy home. Then do just that. It is also possible to get an attorney for the kids...through the local Legal Aid office. Try a CASA volunteer...they are trained to look at these situations. Call your local courthouse for info on CASA.

In the long run, you being consistent, non-condemning, and loving will resonate more than anything else. Love your children through this, as they will grow to appreciate it. This experience will shape their lives, so make sure they learn integrity, honesty, and standing up for what is right will get them where they want to go by your example. Good luck and God Bless!

Teri, the other half of Pakidaho

[RandyR]

In the county I live in their are special social services counsellors known as childrens advocates that are empowered to look into family situations and make recommendations if there is compelling evidence.

 

In general, I'm very leary of ever encroaching police/governmental intrusion, but this may be a time when its needed.

[Naugh-T]

In Ontario our kids have a voice at 12yrs,

 

Good Luck

 

Rhonda

[fixit3546]

I can agree with what advice has been already given with an emphasis on making sure the kids know you and know you Love them....Their day will come and rest assured they will remember who loved them.

 

Talk to your Pastor, don't have one? get one! He will help you answer the "where is God in all this" question.

[Snaggletooth]

I went through my divorce and custody battle when my daughter was only 8 months old. Thank God for that. She did not have to deal with the issues of parents splitting up. But I was able to show, and prove!....that being in the care of her mother was an unhealthy situation. Long before we went to court for the first time and under the advice of my lawyer, a wise old woman lawyer, I had documented EVERY incident and event that would play in my favor, and against her. Cold....yeah. It is. But needed to win custody. That file was submited to the court before the hearings even began. That was what determined to final outcome.

 

As my daughter got older she began to understand that things were different for us. I answered all her questions was well as I could but with nothing but honesty. No anger at her mom, no bad mouthing, no negative comments. Not always easy but kept it on the straight road.

 

She is almost 19 years old now. She has grown up understanding that I was always straight with her and there to talk to. She has had some contact with her mom in recent years and has seen what she would have been dealing with if it had gone the other way. She has told me "thanks for fighting for me." That means more to me than anything. I know I did the right thing, the right way.

 

Your kids are important to you, that it is clear. Make sure they both know that and have not doubt that it's the truth. Be there for them and be the rock they need. And as mentioned.... a lil outside support is always handy for all of you.

 

Hang in there.

 

Mike