Just wondering

[Dark Wolf]

I have just signed my final divorce papers now just waiting for the judge to do the same. This is my first divorce and hopefully my last, we were married for 20 years and have 2 kids. My daughter is 19 and in college and she is fine with all that is going on, my son is 15 and mad as hell at me right now.I am not saying that this was all her fault and it was not all mine, but she has got my son thinking that I left them for no reason and he won't even speak to me now. I know this won't last forever, and I was just wondering if any other dads out there have been through the same thing and how long did it take before things kinda got backto normal.

Joel

[mraf]

Can't help you but wishing all the best with your son. Some things just take time.

[GeorgeS]

I think the national divorce rate is running around 50 percent. So , based on that I'm pretty sure your not alone in whatever boat you are in.

 

Same thing happened to my son three weeks ago, she filed the papers.

 

Needless to say, things are in a turmoil around here.

 

Main thing is keep your motor running good.

[slick97spirit]

My 1st wife and I divorced when he was 1 year old and my daughter was 3. Tough times for them as well as me. My daughter was mad for a long time. Best advice I can give you is to talk to the wife and explain that the way that the 2 of you talk about each other is going to determine how the kids feel. She plays a huge roll. I didn't bash the wife and she didn't bash me. I just kept telling them I loved em over and over no matter how mad they were at me. I'd tell them and then tell them some more. Just don't rush it. It's tough on them more than anyone, but they usually adapt well. It's gonna take time & if the ex is bashing you, she'll eventually chill on that too. I hope this helps as all of the above was learned the hard way.

God bless you, your ex and the kids.

[kenw]

Joel,

I went through the same things about 10years ago. My daughter won't talk to me. but let me tell you, I've met the most wonderfull person in the world and my life was turned from hell into heaven. There is someone out there for eveyone, don't sell yourself short, and Lord willing you'll find happiness!

[MidlifeVenture]

Remember the children take the brunt of the divorce they are both old enough to be told the truth and the reasons behind the separation. Hopefully you and your ex can also remember you will end up being together for the rest of your life in the bond of your children's lives. When the kids understand the true reasons they will come around as long as you prove you still want them in your life and are understanding to there fear of them being left. I am not divorced but have numerous family and friends we have helped through these matters. Just remember to tell them they are not the cause and you love them.

[BoomerCPO]

For kids from broken homes there is no such thing as normal. Do your best to show the kids in deeds as well as words that you truly love them. Make very sure you tell them many times that the divorce is not their fault....and keep telling them that. Support the kids endeavors and slack off any criticism you may have of what or how they are doing things. The kids are on a long painful road and its a lot tougher on them than what you and the wife are going through.

 

Good luck, be patient,and God bless.

 

Boomer

[Dark Wolf]

I do apperciate all the advice my problem lies in the fact that my ex moved in with her mother and her grandmother and from what my daughter tells me I am spoken of often and none of it is good. She won't go back over there for that reason. So all he is hearing is negative.

[mini-muffin]

My sympathies. At least your daughter is doing ok, and with her still talking to you maybe that will help her brother in time. It's gonna be really tough for a while for you. I hope you can get through this ok.

 

Margaret

[slick97spirit]

I do apperciate all the advice my problem lies in the fact that my ex moved in with her mother and her grandmother and from what my daughter tells me I am spoken of often and none of it is good. She won't go back over there for that reason. So all he is hearing is negative.

 

She'll eventually tire of dragging you thru the tar pits. Your son, whether you realize it or not, is probably defending your honor in his home. Your still his dad & even tho he won't speak to you, no likes to hear someone trash their dad. They'll come around. Give it time.

[ibents]

I have never been through what's happening to you, but I have had friends that went through both ammicable and bitter divorces and it is the kids that usually suffer in both cases. Children have to know that its not their fault that their parents split up, tell them that no matter what your love for them will never change.

Hopefully your ex won't continue to put the wrong info into your son's head and play one against the other, in which case more often than not, backfires.

Your daughter sounds mature enough to handle what has happened and depending on the relationship with her brother, may be able to speak to him.

Good luck to you and your children and hopefully everything works out.

 

Ian

[BARKEEP1956]

My son's were 10 and 12 when we got divorced. Your Ex needs to grow up and understand that she is doing more harm to your son by bad mouthing about you in front of him. As much as you and your ex want nothing to do with each other, you both need to put the kids needs first so they get through the hassle of it all. Good Luck with everything.

 

Barkeep1956

[barend]

Hmm!!! Don't get me started. I suppose she has custody? Do you have visitation? At 15 the child may have been allowed a say in where he wants to live (even in backwards SC). I concur, it is quite possible your son is trying to defend you, but gets beaten down. If he is, as my wife likes to call them, a Titty Baby he is not likely to do so. Nothing you can do if he won't talk to you. Seems your daugther is your only link to him right now. You'll have to stay positive and can't say anything bad about the ex. Much as I hate to say it, since it is not her place, ask your daughter to convey a hi/hello/love you, etc, to him. Maybe have her ask if he wants to meet for breakfast/lunch w. no strings with the three of you. It's rough on kids and they don't all deal well with it, my stepson to this day (15 yrs) seems to blame Mom, my own kids still favor their Mom. Only time man, only time. If you have to come before the judge again perhaps he can "suggest" that this type behavior is detrimental to the kids. May help!

 

One other thing you may want to keep in mind. You provide discipline, structure, demand responsibility and respect, provide a better environment for them and chances are they will go the other way if they can do what they want with the other parent (been there to the point my son admitted he would be better of living with me, but didn't!!). They may try to play you against each other and try the blame game. Be who you are, do as you always did, nothing more!!! nothing less.

 

Good luck!!

[Snaggletooth]

I have been divorced for about 16 years now. To keep this short I'll say I ended up with custody of our daughter, only 8 months old at the time. That in itself was a huge blessing. It saved her from all the stress a child deals with during a divorce. It wasn't until she was about 2 years old that she started wondering what was different. The ex was a rare sight and unreliable for visitations.

 

I made an effort to keep my opinions and comments to myself and not speak badly of her mom in front of her. When asked questions about why we were not together I tried to explain that her mom had made some choices that were her own to make and I felt that it would be best for me to raise her alone.

 

Her mom has only showed her face on our door step maybe 6 times in all these years and my daughter wouldn't speak to her when she showed up. Then about 2 weeks ago she was out with friends and crossed paths with her mom. They talked for a while and it did not end well for my daughter. When she came home she sat down and talked to me about it. She said her mom was so filled with hate and anger after all these years that all she did was trash talk me and then then condemed her for living with me.

 

The hug I got that day was the best I'd ever had. What she said to me was what got to me the most. "Thanks for not sticking it out for my sake Dad."

 

She has seen the damage that divorce has done to her friends and their relationships with their parents. Kids being played as pawns in an adult game of anger and regret. She realizes now that she missed the most painful part and knows it was for the best.

 

She is almost 17 now and our time together is running short. She'll be off on her own soon and I know she will always have a place for me in her heart.

 

So all I can say is keep an open line to your son. Let him know you are there for him if he needs you and show him respect. Let him express his thoughts and feelings and try to be open minded to what he says and why he said it. He will reach out to you when he is ready to deal with it. And he will.

[skydoc_17]

I feel your pain brother, It makes you feel like a dough nut! With that big hole right in the middle of your gut. I have been divorced for about 11 years and it still rubs me the wrong way from time to time. I have three sons, my oldest (15 at divorce) became the "daddy" after the divorce. We barely talk, he has never come for a visit and I don't think things will get better any time soon. My middle son and my youngest son and I talk all the time, they visit and I will be heading to the west coast in June for graduation because my youngest wants me there. If there is one thing I can tell you after more than 11 years of living hell on earth because of a divorce it's that YOU need to take care of yourself. I have found that I have had very little luck in my life convincing ANYONE that I am a good person or a bad one. On the other hand I have tried to live my post divorce life being as honest and caring as I possibly can. I try to NEVER make a promise I can't keep, If I say I'm going to be there I am.(baring accidents) If I tell someone something, I try to tell the truth, weather it be god or bad, always. As in the case of my oldest son, It's not about me, it's about the choice HE is making. I always hope that a time will come when my oldest and I can just hang out and be friends, but I ALWAYS remind myself that if it never happens it is not because I was not a good person or I didn't want it to happen or didn't make an effort to let it happen, It's on MY SON and the choice HE made. It doesn't help with the big hole, but it allows me to sleep at night. If you need to talk Bro, PM me.

Oh yea, This is where Jean wants me to tell you that there is life after divorce and Meeting Jean was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm a much better man today and HER kids think I'm the best, etc, etc, etc, You get thr picture! (actually, things are much better now! Jean is WAY cooler than the X wife)

Earl

[Marcarl]

I've never had a divorce and have very little experince one way or the other, but it seems to me that bashing goes on, and that seems to be a favourite thing to do, why? it makes the person that's bashing think they feel better, but really does nothing for them except make them feel worse and more hateful, along with whoever they make be making conversation with. I would attempt to communicate with your ex and tell her that bashing you will only serve to break down character, her's, your's and your son's, and it will not give anyone, especially her child, a good foundation to grow on.

[Cinderella]

treat your son with love and respect and be the one to try to stay in touch with him.....call him as often as u can, even if he wont talk to you.

never ever talk badly of your ex to him ( or to your daughter either)

eventually he will mature enough to realize that mom was feeding him a bunch of bull just to get back at you. It doesnt take long for them to figure it out on their own.

 

I never spoke badly of my ex to my children ( they were 18, 16 and 10 when my 1st husband and i divorced)...it didnt take much time at all for each of them to figure out on their own what their father was really like and to understand why i couldnt be married to him any longer.

I know its hard to think your son hates you, but give him time..he is hurting.

[PBJ]

Hey Dark Wolf , I am presently also finishing the process of a three year divorce. The Judge made a judgement on her last request and hopefully she will sign the final papers. Her incentive is that the house I gave her burned down last month and she can't be paid the insurance because the deed is in escrow until he final decree.

 

My daughter is 23 and my son turns twenty next month. My in laws have not been to kind to me in family conversations but at least my son saw enough of the truth to know dad is only 50% responsible for the end of our family. I have always tried to speak kindly of their mother she is sick and needs help only she can give herself. I let then know thoug that I still care and that I'm rooting for her success.

 

My daughter and her mom had a good relationship. A true mother daughter friendship and this has been harder on her. She wants it to just be a nightmare we all cam awaken friom. She blames me for "giving up" but deep down she understands i was the one holding us together. She just wished i could have heald on.

 

I won't let my family bad mouth my ex in front of my kids. They know no ones perfect and i've confessed my short comings. The ex is not in a good place . Shes putting on a good front but even the kids see the deterioration. All you can do is be the best person you can be. Remeber that no matter what at one time you loved that woman and the things you did like about her may still be there. Try to remember that around your kids. If she's screwing up the kids aren't blind not even your son.

 

If you get time to be with your son listen. Listen to his feels about everything . Bear with his anger and apologize for whats true and expalin what is false . Thats all you can do. Then wait.... Its the hardest part the waiting but its all part of the divorce . remeber you aren't alone. if you want to talk more write me here . Good luck Phil.

[SilvrT]

I have just signed my final divorce papers now just waiting for the judge to do the same. This is my first divorce and hopefully my last, we were married for 20 years and have 2 kids. My daughter is 19 and in college and she is fine with all that is going on, my son is 15 and mad as hell at me right now.I am not saying that this was all her fault and it was not all mine, but she has got my son thinking that I left them for no reason and he won't even speak to me now. I know this won't last forever, and I was just wondering if any other dads out there have been through the same thing and how long did it take before things kinda got backto normal.

Joel

 

I haven't read all the posts and I doubt I can give you an answer but I can at least share my experience in this area and offer one suggestion.

 

My suggestion is...don't try and force things to happen... let them happen in their own time...let your son heal and grow and learn and he will come around in due course and all will be good. If you try and force this process, it may alienate and aggravate the situation further. This may take quite a long time but with patience, good will come out of it.

 

My first wife and I split (she left me...took the kid, took the furniture, took everything..and ran off with another guy) when my son was 1.5 yrs old. I never tried to interfere or force myself into my son's world for almost 32 years. He grew up knowing another man as his "dad" but from the time he was pre-teen, he knew that guy wasn't his real father. He's now 39. I contacted his mom about 6 years ago and thru that, my son and I reunited. For a long time he had been wanting to find me, and me him. It was like a broken piece of our lives had finally been mended. We have been very close ever since and we spend time with each other at least every week...almost like "best friends".

 

The timing was perfect for this reunion...it happened when it was meant to. Both of us feel that things would not have been as they are now if I had tried years earlier or if he had.

 

Our lives have been greatly enhanced and for me, fulfilled with all that I was missing all those years. I don't regret any of it...it happened the way it was meant to happen.

[tinystar]

Keep the faith. I was married for 18 years and together for 25 total before the divorce. My ex was physical,emothional, and mentally abusive, to myself and our 3 children. I stayed with him until our daughter graduated and I was able to get a job that would support the boys and myself. When that happened we were gone. My regret was that my daughter had to live the hell for 18 years. I have nor has my husband bashed their dad in front of them. He on the other hand did it regularly. I could always tell when the boys came home on sunday night if they had been at his parents over the weekend. We could not talk to the oldest boy for nearly two days. Then everything would calm down until the next weekend. That lasted nearly two years or so. We have been divorced for 6 years and the bull..... still flyes with him. He manipulates my boys and my daughter something terrible. He has no car payments, house payment, credit card payments. Total monthly bills amount to about 400 dollars. He brought home nearly 600 a week, 6 years ago when we were still married. He told my boys at christmas a year ago that it would be a small christmas because he was quitting his job and starting a new one. That did not happen. This past christmas he said they would not be getting anything from him because he had not paid child support on the oldest one since last feb. and they were making him pay that now. That money went straight into a bank, the ex thinking I pulled one over on her again. He then convinced my 24 year old daughter that he could not afford groceries, so she would give him beef from their farm. I keep bitting my tonge hopping one day the kids will wake up and smell the coffee. In Iowa you have to take a class called children in the middle when you get divorced. My ex manipulated his way through that too. Let the kids know that you love them no-matter what and that when they are ready to talk, you are ready to listen. It has to be their time. My boys have now settled in and realize that they have it better than they ever did. If the 18 year old forgets my daughter reminds him of the hell she went through. The boys were 12 and 2 and a half. They are now, 10 as of this thursday and 19 at the end of feb. There is a wonderful life after a bad divorce. I meet my husband of 1year and 8 months, it was the best thing that had happened to me in my life since my babies were born. I had nearly given up hope that I would ever have peace in my life again. Mike is my angel on earth. God Bless you and your children and I wish you the best of luck, may you find patients you never new you had. JoDee

[spear]

Just reading all the posts in this thread, having been a LEO for 28 years and now working with Probation and Parole - I see so much of this stuff. Don't want to rub it in anywhere at all, but I'm blessed with a marriage that so far has been one hell of a ride for the past 35 years with 3 beautiful kids - all married - and our first grandchild. Sure, we've had a few ups and down, but they're all part of that one hell of a ride. I counsel people in your position and I'm able to call on my life experiences and my own life to help me.

Be assured my thoughts are with you and all you are going through.

 

Don't be nasty - be nice. That'll beat 'em every time.

[RedRider]

BTDT - it seems like there is no end. You are effectively asking one of the first questions I asked - How long does it take for the pain to go away?

 

Answer - Permanantly? I don't know. It hasn't permanantly gone away yet and it has been 7 years. However, after a year or so it becomes bearable and doesn't pepper your thoughts and conversations. You do get better, it just seems to take too long.

 

As for the kids: Just be there for them. Explain things when they ask, no need to volunteer info they may not want, or need, to know. Emphasize your love for them, yet maintain discipline. Don't try to buy their love and attention with gifts and excessive freedom. They will accept these things, but it will do the same damage as offering these things when you were still married.

 

I certainly hope you got shared custody or at least a healthy schedule of visitation. Don't ever miss these times. If you can, volunteer in groups your son is involved in - sports coaching, Boy Scouts, band parent, etc.

 

If you can't already - learn to cook. Have meals together, not in front of the TV or computer. It doesn't need to be fancy, or especially good, just something to eat together. To prepare food for someone else shows love. You might even enjoy experimenting with different foods together. If it doesn't work out, keep the number of the local chinese restaraunt and/or pizza joint on speed dial. Many experiments don't work out the first time - don't ask me how I know.

 

And, since you asked for advice - keep you social life away from your son until/unless it becomes really serious. You don't need to hid it, just don't put it in your son's face.

 

And, since this is a motorcycle forum - ride, ride, ride. Going thru my divorce was when I got my first motorcycle (my Venture). It is surprising how the wind in your face can keep the thoughts out of the brain.

 

Good luck. Lesser people have gotten thru this successfully.

 

RR

[Dark Wolf]

I just want to take a minute to say how very thankful I am for all the thoughts and suggestions that I recieved. You people are the most careing and compastionate group of people I have ever had the pleasure of being associated with. I know that with time and Gods helping hand that all will be as it should be. I will continue to try and let my son know that I will always be there for him and that I love him and always will. Thanks for all your responces and may God Bless all.

[Sailor]

Bin there done that. My sons were 4 and 8 when she took off with her latest boyfriend. She didn't want the kids so left them with me. Her lawyer told her she couldn't get the house and property without taking the kids too so she came back and grabbed them. The divorce took three years but I got joint custody which is hard to do.

My advice...make sure you get visitation rights, never say anything bad about your ex in front of the kids.

I found out that she was taking my name off the presents I gave them at Christmas and birthdays and putting her boyfriends name on them. When the kids asked why I never gave them presents I simply told them what I had given them and let them draw their own conclusions.

I found out from the kids she was calling me names and telling them I was not their father and I hated them. I kept quiet and let them draw their own conclusions.

She drove them away from her with her bitterness. I was informed later that the kids really respected me for not saying anything and not responding to her attacks.

It did not take too long for the kids to figure things out. I now have a better relationship with them than she does. All I did was treat them with respect and keep my mouth shut.

Bottom line....kids are smarter than you think.

[BEER30]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

 

 

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

 

THE END

 

Just keep the Faith . In time , this issue will heal itself !

 

BEER30